Why do they call him Silent Bob anyway? Part 2

BAMPF!

Welcome back!  Are you trembling with anticipation?  Are you excited to see the rest of my ranking of Kevin Smith movies?  Of course you are.  You’re excited to see everything I do.  And who could blame you?  I’m pretty spectacular. 

Here’s a quick recap of last time:  I judged someone else’s creative work and you read it.  If you didn’t read it (jerk), just scroll down and catch up.

Now, here is my ranking of Kevin Smith’s View Askewniverse movies.

6. Mallrats

Synopsis:  Some kids run around a mall. Oh, and a guy tries to get his girlfriend back while her overprotective father does everything in his power to stop him.

Things I dig:  “Fly fat ass, fly!”

“Would you like a chocolate covered pretzel?”

“You dumb bastard.  It’s not a schooner.  It’s a sail boat.”

Things I dig less:  I have trouble believing high school kids speak in monologues.  Maybe I just went to a school for dummies.

5. Chasing Amy

Synopsis:  A dude falls for a lesbian.  His buddy does not approve.

Things I dig:  I love comics, so a movie about comic book creators is right up my alley.  I also completely believe that Ben Affleck can turn a lesbian straight.  Oh yeah, and there is an interesting love story, engaging characters, blah blah blah.

Things I dig less:  The ending. Ok, so your (formerly gay?) girlfriend has had a few sexual experiences that you haven’t, and your buddy is jealous of all the time you’re spending with said (formerly gay?) girlfriend.  What do you do?  You propose a threesome?  Nope. Nope nope nope.  However, I will say that if I had to have a three-way with another guy, it would definitely be Jason Lee.

4. Clerks

Synopsis:  Some dudes hang out inside a convenience store and talk about stuff.  Some other dudes hang outside a convenience store and sell drugs.  A lady dude has sex with a corpse.  Other funny things happen.

Things I dig:  This is the one that started it all, so it gets bonus points for introducing Dante, Randal, Jay and Silent Bob. Watching Jay and Silent Bob dance is pretty hilarious (even if it really didn’t serve a purpose), and the discussion regarding contractors being hired to complete construction of the second Death Star is great.  There is also some pretty funny oral sex humour (I’m 37?!?).

Things I dig less:  The camera barely moves and it’s usually pointing directly at a flat wall.  For example, there is a scene between two characters where they talk to each other for about 7 minutes (I think) and the camera doesn’t move or cut to a different angle.  It’s interesting to listen to, but not necessarily to watch.

3. Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back

Synopsis:  Someone is making a Jay and Silent Bob movie and, as expected, the internet trolls are not being kind.  Of course, Jay and Silent Bob cannot tolerate such insolence, so they head to Hollywood to stop the movie from being made so people on the interwebs will shut their stupid pie holes.

Things I dig:  There are some great cameos in this movie, with Ben Affleck and Matt Damon standing out.  Even Joe Quesada shows up as the pizza guy!  If you don’t know who that is, you’re not cool. Also, I love things that reference other things.  This movie is just one big reference to other Kevin Smith movies (and if you’ve figured out yet, I love me a Kevin Smith movie).

Things I dig less:  Shannon Elizabeth’s character seems pretty bright, but she falls for a trouser snake joke.  I don’t believe it, but hey, what do I know?  Maybe she secretly wanted to fall for it.  Who wouldn’t want to look at Jay’s rod?

2. Clerks 2

Synopsis:  Remember those guys who were hanging out in a convenience store talking about stuff?  Well guess what?  Now they’re hanging out in a fast food restaurant talking about stuff.  And remember those other guys who were hanging out outside of a convenience store?  Well guess what?  They’re still hanging outside of some place.  Some things never change I guess.

Things I dig:  Dante and Randal are great characters, and the addition of Elias and Becky rounds out an already fantastic ensemble. Specifically, the interactions between Randal and Elias are comedy gold (Listerfiend anyone?). Also, the involvement of Kinky Kelly and the Sexy Stud makes for the most logical of plot points in a movie about a fast food eatery.

Things I dig less:  I get that Dante and Becky make a better couple than Dante and…whatever her name is, but he did still technically cheat on his fiancée.  Not cool bro, not cool.

1. Dogma

Synopsis:  Two angels cast out by God find a loophole in Catholic dogma that would allow them to return to the Kingdom of Heaven.  The only problem is that by doing so, they will undo all existence.

Things I dig:  Everything. The cast is amazing (Alan Rickman is the voice of God? Of course he is). The jokes are hilarious (So, does that mean Bethany’s part black?). And the story even has a nice message for believers and atheists alike.  There is also a big poop monster.

Things I dig less:  I love everything about this movie.  I think it’s perfect, and if you disagree I will politely tell you that you’re wrong and everything you like is stupid and that you’re stupid for not thinking this movie is the greatest thing ever committed to film.

So that’s it.  Thanks for sticking with me.  If you haven’t seen any of these movies, I can’t recommend them highly enough.  If you’re lucky enough to have a dvd or blu-ray copy, you should listen to the commentary tracks.  Those are pretty fantastic too.  Kevin Smith is working on the script for Clerks 3 and I’m already excited.  You should be excited too.  Do it!  Be excited damn youse!

Alright, I’m done.  So, like Silent Bob would say:

“…”