So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, good night

Hello blog fans!  Welcome to the latest edition of Chris Lackie – The Blog!

So how about those Olympics?  Those Canadians did pretty well, eh?  In addition to all the ass kicking the individual competitors did, our teams dropped a Hulk Hogan-sized leg drop on all the other nations.  Both the men’s and women’s curling teams proved they are the best in the world at throwing rocks down a sheet of ice.  Our hockey teams also showed those Americans who’s the boss (and I’m not talking about Angela).  First the women came back from a 2-goal deficit with only 4 minutes left in the game to win in overtime, and then the men shut out their cross-border rivals 1-0 to move on to the gold medal game.  Then Canada played Sweden, and we all know how that turned out (Canada won! Can-a-da!  Can-a-da!)

All in all, I’d say we have a lot to be proud of.

Now on to business.

I made my very first post on this blog on February 20, 2013 and I’ve been posting on a pretty regular basis ever since.  That’s a whole year of giving you, my loyal reader, thrills, chills, and a plethora of examples of literary skillz (tip: replacing the s at the end of a word with a z makes it hip). 

Let’s just take a moment to reflect on all the awesome things I have written over the past year.

*moment*

Ahh.  Wasn’t that a great moment?  Wait, what?  What do you mean you don’t remember all of the excellent posts I’ve made?  I am offended, sirs (and madams).  Well, how about I refresh your clearly failing memory on some of my more… let us call them… creative posts?

I told you guys about that time I was abducted by aliens and then I ripped a hole in their spaceship with a gigantic fart.

Then there was that time that me and my Grandpa kicked some ninja fools in their stupid fool faces.

I used some of the skillz I learned fighting ninjas to deal with the militant feminists that kidnapped me behind a department store. (Two parts!)

There was also that time that I found myself in an underground push up competition in Antwerp, Belgium.

Most recently, I took on a nest of vampires in the most beautiful of places, Oshawa, Ontario. (Two parts!)

And of course, there was the wonder of Funko Fight Club.

Why am I taking you on this trip down memory lane?

Well, it saddens me to say that Chris Lackie – The Blog will be going on a short hiatus.  It’s time for me to take a little break and recharge the old brain battery.  With the addition of the little bundle of joy in my life, I find myself with less time to sit down and write.  I think it would be best to take a break and let some of the creative juices come out on their own, instead of trying to force things.

Writing this blog is one of the most rewarding things I’ve ever done.  It pleases me to no end that over the past year people from 60 different countries have visited my little piece of the internet more than 3,000 times.  You will never know how grateful I am that you all take time out of your busy lives to read my words.

So there it is.  I know you’re sad.  Try not to cry. I will be back, bigger and better than ever (or more likely, about the same as ever).

TEMPORARY LEAVE OF ABSENCE BAMPF!!     

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There’s something lurking in Oshawa… Still!

Welcome to another edition of Chris Lackie – The Blog!  How about that Superbowl, huh?  Did you see when that guy threw the thing and the guy caught it and did that other thing and then he got hit and fell on that other guy’s thing?  Wasn’t that amazing?  I’m really happy that the <winning team> won.  I really hate those <losing team> guys.

Anyway, last week I started telling the story about that time I kicked a blood-sucking vampire in the junk.  If you’re too lazy to go back and read the story so far, here’s the uber-short version:  I met a homeless guy in Oshawa who told me about a bunch of vampires that were causing problems in the neighbourhood.  I didn’t believe him (or care) until he told me that the vampires were looking for a human child to lead them into battle with the human race.  Once I heard that, I realized that the vampires must be looking for my baby (because he is the best thing that has ever existed).

Now, here is the thrilling conclusion of the internet epic:  There’s Something Lurking in Oshawa…  Dun Dun Dun!!!!

     After the homeless guy told me that there was a group of vampires looking for a human child, I came to the obvious conclusion that they were looking for my son (because he is the bestest boy in the whole wide world).  I hurried back to my mother’s house to prepare.  Of course, as with anything I need to get ready for, I prepared by watching television.  After 4 hours of watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer, I learned that all you need to defeat undead suck-faces is a quick wit and a knowledge of pop culture.  Lucky for me I have both in spades (both David and Kate).

     It was late, and my wife and son were already sleeping.  I gave them both a kiss on the forehead, grabbed a flashflight, and then headed out into the darkness of night to face the demons that awaited me.  Although, to be fair, they didn’t know I was coming, so they weren’t exactly ‘awaiting’ me.  But, you know, whatever.

     I made my way towards the beach to meet my enemy, passing random people on the street and wondering if they knew what horrors lurk in their home town.  It didn’t matter if they knew or not.  I was going to make it safe.

     Once there, I walked into the blackness of the cave.  I flipped the switch on the flashlight, only to find the batteries were dead.  I was suddenly very afraid.  I should turn back, I thought to myself.  No, if I don’t go through with this now I may never come back.  And I have to do this.  I have to do this for my son.  The darkness enveloped me further with each step I took.  After walking blind for what seemed like an eternity, I finally saw a glowing red pin prick in the distance.  What a pretty firefly, I thought.  As I continued further into the cave the light split into two.  Heh, the little bug has a buddy.  Suddenly another pair of red lights appeared.  Then another.  Then another.  Then another.  Then another.  Specks of bright red appeared two at a time, all around me.  It was a few moments before I noticed that each red pair moved in unison.  I then realized what I was looking at.  They weren’t little fireflies.  They were eyes.

     A blast of heat hit me from behind.  I wheeled around to see a torch being held by a wrinkled grey hand. Behind the flame was a pair of bright crimson eyes, buried deep in a face of ash leather that came to a point at the chin.  As we locked eyes the creature smiled to reveal a pair of sharp, stained fangs.

     “Well, I guess I found you,” I declared, trying to sound brave.

     “It’s not very often that a meal comes to our doorstep,” said the vampire holding the torch.  “We normally like to hunt for our food, but I shouldn’t complain.”  He nodded towards the shadows, signalling for another vampire to take the torch.  Once he handed the fire to another creature he turned his attention back to me and licked his lips.  “You look delicious.”

     “You’re right, I am delicious,” I replied, “but that’s not why I am here.  I’m here because I know about your prophecy.  I know you are looking for a human child to lead you to glory.  I am the father of that child, and I am here to tell you…“ I stepped closer to the vampire. “You cannot have him.”

     The vampire’s eyes opened wide.  “So you are the father of our chosen one.  How delightful it is to meet you.  Let me introduce myself.  My name is Charles.”

     “Charles? That’s a stupid name for a vampire,” I snorted.

     “I must thank you,” he continued, “we’ve been searching for your son for a long time.  We weren’t sure we would ever find him, but now that you’re here, we will.  Minions, restrain this man!”

     “Wait!” I yelled, which seemed to stop the other vampires in their tracks.  I knew I was in over my head.  There was no way I could take all these vamps by myself, no matter how much wit or pop culture knowledge I had.  Perhaps going into a vampire nest alone with no weapons and a faulty flashlight was a bad idea, but there I was.  I knew I had to think of something fast.  The vampires started coming towards me again, and my mind immediately went to an old tactic that I use whenever I’m in serious trouble.

     “I can’t help but notice there are no lady vamps around.  Is this some sort of gay thing?”  I asked.

     “What?  No, of course not,” the leader replied defiantly.

     “It isn’t?” queried a voice from the back.

     “Shut up, Stanley!” demanded Charles.

     “Hehe.  I knew it,” I chuckled out loud to myself, but loud enough so that all the deadheads around me heard.

     “Enough!” Charles was super-pissed now.  “I will end your wretched life right now!”

     Charles came towards me, his eyes full of hate and rage, his mouth eager to bite into my delicious flesh.  Not knowing what else to do, I did what any brave man would do:  I kicked the vampire in the testicles as hard as I could.  I braced myself for a counter attack, but I couldn’t have predicted what happened next.

     “Ahh! My nuts! My only weakness!” squealed a now high-voiced Charles.

     “Only weakness?” I replied. “What about stakes and crosses and garlic and all that stuff?”

     “No,” Charles answered, “few people know our only true weakness is kicks to the balls.”

     “I’ll be sure to remember that,” I said, but then quickly forgot.

     “Now that you know our Achilles heel…” began Charles, before he was interrupted.

     “More like Achilles balls!” shouted the voice from the back.

     “I swear to God, Stanley, if you speak again I will rip out your throat!” yelled Charlie the vampire, still holding his sore nuts.  After rubbing his sore package for a few moments (which was awkward… and… slightly erotic), the vampire returned his focus to me.  “After the events that have transpired here today…”

     “You mean me kicking you in the testicles?”

     The vamp sighed. “Yes, after you kicked me in the testicles, I decided that we will no longer seek the chosen one.  We will leave you and your son, Archibald Davis Matthews, alone.”

     “Uh, Archie who?” I asked.

     “Archibald Davis Matthews,” Charles said slowly, “is he not your son?”

     “No.”

     “Oh. Either way, you have represented the humans well. We will leave you be.”

     “Huh?” I had already started leaving. “Sorry, I  stopped listening.  What are you babbling on about?”

     “We will no longer hunt you or your kind,” said Charles, deflated.

     “Okay sure, whatever.  You guys can do whatever you want.  If you’re not trying to get my son then I don’t give a crap what you do.”  The vampires followed me like sad little puppies as I made my way out of their cave.  The sun was just coming over the horizon as I reached the entrance. I turned for one last look at the vampires. “Peace out, homies.”

And that’s the story of how I kicked a vampire in his nuts. It was pretty awesome. And let this be a lesson to you:  If a homeless person tells you that there are vampires in your neighbourhood, they are probably telling you the truth.  Also, if you live in the Oshawa area, you should be careful. There are vampires about.

BAMPF!

There’s something lurking in Oshawa

Welcome to this week’s edition of Chris Lackie – The Blog!

         So last week I mentioned that I kicked a vampire in the nards.  Now, I am fully aware that stories about kicking a vampire in his undead testicles are a dime a dozen, and are usually more boring than watching the paint dry on your medieval heater shield, but I assure that this story is… probably about the same as the rest.

         Last weekend, me and the family went to my mom’s house in Oshawa, Ontario for a visit.  Before going to bed one night, I decided to take a stroll down the incredibly clean and safe streets of the town that the locals lovingly refer to as the Dirty ‘Shwa.  Just as I passed the third adult video store on the same block, I came across a common sight in Oshawa:  A homeless gentleman, wearing a Burger King crown, drinking from a bottle of Aqua Velva aftershave.  As a guest of the ‘Shwa, I thought it would be polite if I started the conversation.

         “Hey, you gonna finish that?” I asked.

         “Give me your goat and I’ll trade you,” the homeless man offered.

         “I don’t have a goat, but I may have some magic beans somewhere,” I countered.

         “Just as well,” the homeless guy who smelled of musk and urine replied, “it’s too cold for a goat, anyway.”

         “It is cold.  You should be inside somewhere,” I suggested.

         “The shelters are terrible,” he explained. “They’re crowded, they’re messy, and they smell like piss.”  He paused for a moment to wipe away the frost that hung in the course yellow hair around his mouth. “And worst of all, they end up being all you can eat buffets.”

         “They have all you can eat buffets?  That sounds pretty sweet,” I offered.

         The homeless gentleman’s eyes narrowed as he spoke.  “No.  They are buffets.”  I must have looked at my new friend with a puzzled expression because he continued.  “They come out at night.  Just like in the story books and the movies.  They come out and they feast on people like me – people who have no family and no one who will care if they’re gone.”

          I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. “What are you talking about?  Who is feasting?”

          “Vampires, my friend.  There are vampires in Oshawa.”

          Now, most of the home-challenged people I talk to are crazy, but at that moment I thought the person I was talking to was the nuttiest of them all.  “Are you on crazy pills?  There is no such thing as vampires.  Except of course for the ones that glitter in sunlight.”

          “Oh no?” said the homeless guy using a sarcastic tone that is usually reserved for people who don’t sleep under garbage bags on a regular basis. “Well, I guess that’s just a bunch of big kittens living in the cave down by the lake.”

          I couldn’t help but grin. “I know you’re being facetious, but thinking about a cave full of big kittens gives me a warm fuzzy feeling.”

          “I hear the vampires are getting more aggressive,” noted the man as he finished his bottle of after shave.

          “Oh really,” I responded, “did you hear that in an internet chat room for homeless people?”

          “There are rumours that they are looking for the chosen one,” the man continued, not acknowledging my very clever jest. “They seek the one true human child that will lead them to the glory that their prophecies have promised them.”

          “A human child?  Okay, let’s assume that you are correct and there are in fact vampires living in a cave here in Oshawa. How is a human child going to help them?”

          “They say that once the chosen one is turned into one of them he will lead them in the war against man.  It is said that no one will be able to stop him.”

          I sighed loudly.  “Right.  Anyway, it’s getting late.  I should probably head back.  The wife’s at home with the baby and I don’t want her to worry.  Have a good one.”

          As I turned to leave the homeless man exclaimed, “You know, they say the chosen one is an infant.  Maybe it’s yours.”

          I paused as a sudden sense of dread filled my chest.  What if it was all true?  What if my baby was the one the vampires were looking for?

          “Of course,” the homeless man continued, “the likelihood of it being your kid is pretty small.  In fact, the odds are astronomical.  I mean, how many infants are there around here?  A thousand?  Tens of thousands?  And that’s just in the immediate area.  Who knows how many babies have been born around the world, and who knows if the vampires are even looking in the right place?”

          It all made sense.  My son is the best baby that has ever been born in the history of the universe, so obviously the evil vampire clan that I know for a fact totally exists would want him as their savior.  I knew what had to be done. “I have to go,” I told the homeless gentleman.  “Enjoy your evening.”

          “Yeah sure,” he said.  “Say, can you spare some change?”

          “Absolutely not,” I replied as I walked away.

          My mission was clear.  I couldn’t let the vampires find my son.  I had to stop them.  Once and for all.

TO BE CONTINUED!

BAMPF!