Grayson, the Boy Wonder

Hello!

Welcome to yet another triumphant return of Chris Lackie – The Blog!

You’re probably saying “Chris, where did you go?”

Well, I didn’t go anywhere. I’ve just been busy with other little things that I hope one day I’ll be able to share with you, but… only time will tell.

Anyway, how about I tell you what I’ve been up to in the meantime? Here goes…

Just before 3 AM on February 22, my uber-pregnant wife, Sarah, reached across our bed and gently touched my shoulder, waking me from sleep.

“Hun,” she said. “I think my contractions have started.”

We had been waiting for this moment for what seemed like a long time. I leapt out of bed and pulled my pants on, almost falling in the process. Sarah laughed at me. “I don’t think we’re in that big a rush.”

“How far apart are your contractions?” I asked, continuing to put on my clothes.

“A few minutes, I think,” replied my wife, as if it was no big deal.

I, on the other hand, thought it was a very big deal. “‘A few minutes?” I parroted just before rumbling down the stairs to get my watch. I returned to our bedroom and handed it to Sarah. Every second she looked at it seemed to take an eternity.

“So? How far apart are they?” I asked, hoping they were more than five minutes apart so I could eat some breakfast before heading to the hospital.

“About three minutes,” Sarah replied, again, like it was no big deal.

My thoughts? Shitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshit!

“I guess we should head to the hospital,” I said, trying not to sound as though my nerves were climbing up out of my stomach and out of my mouth.

“Yeah, probably,” said my wife, as if she wasn’t about to have a human being pop out of her.

So off we went.

We arrived at the hospital a little before 4 AM. The place seemed empty, except for the birthing unit where it seemed like every pregnant woman in Ottawa decided that morning was the time to push out a baby. Luckily, we beat the rush and were admitted promptly.

Once admitted, one of the nurses checked Sarah to see how far along she was. When the nurse found that my wife was eight centimetres dilated, the expression on her face was priceless. She couldn’t believe that someone that far along had just walked in and could carry a conversation. Word got around, and everyone was impressed with how well Sarah was handling her labour.

Shortly after the initial exam, we were moved to a birthing room. It was quickly decided that the best course of action would be to break Sarah’s water, the sound of which was… gross. It was like listening to a giant juice box being squeezed without a straw. At this point Sarah started feeling a fair bit of pain, but she handled it like the champion she is.

A few minutes later, our baby’s heart rate began to slow, so it was decided that the delivery should happen as soon as possible.

Listening to nurses and doctors encourage a mother-to-be to push is fascinating. The first time we went through this with our son, Fox, the room was full of women, all of them aggressively telling Sarah push the baby out. This time, there was a male doctor who took a different approach.

Male Doctor: “Okay Sarah, on the next contraction I want you to push as hard as you can.”

Female Doctors/Nurses: “PUUUUUUSH! GET MADDDD!!!!!”

Male Doctor: “Doing great, Sarah, keep doing your best.”

Female Doctors/Nurses: “DIG DEEEEEP! PUSH OUT THE PAINNNNN!”

Male Doctor: “Keep breathing, keep pushing.”

Female Doctors/Nurses: “PUUUUUUSH! GET THAT PARASITE OUT OF YOU!”

It went something like that. I can’t remember exactly.

Once our little guy’s head was out, they found his umbilical cord tied around his neck three times, which they expected to be the reason for the drop in heart rate.

With that bit of drama aside, at 5:36 AM, our son Grayson was born.

I’m not going to lie. When I saw my son for the first time, resting on my wife’s chest (in all his slimy glory), I cried. A lot. I’ve thought about why that is. I was glassy-eyed when my first son was born, but I didn’t actually cry, so why would I completely sob this time around? I was definitely happy to see my son, but I think my excessive tears were due to the fact that I was just so relieved that it was over, and that my wife wasn’t going to have to go through the 36 hour labour (and everything that accompanied it) as she did with our first child.

While our little boy rested on Sarah, someone (a doctor, I believe) asked if I wanted to cut his cord. It is a completely legitimate question. Father’s cut their children’s umbilical cord all the time. My response however, was completely unreasonable.

“I DIDN’T CUT MY FIRST SON’S CORD SO I’M NOT GOING TO CUT THIS ONE!” I screamed for absolutely no reason.

The people in the room must of thought I was crazy, and they were probably right. I have no idea why I reacted the way I did, but I would like to chalk it up to being overwhelmed by the joy of seeing my son for the first time. Or, you know… lack of sleep.

After about a minute of mother/baby cuddle time, our son was taken to a nearby table to clear the gunk out of his lungs and whatnot. This was expected, as they did the same thing to our first son. Unfortunately, they found that Grayson was working too hard to breath, so he was taken away to the intensive care unit.

This, of course, was a little scary. And upsetting. In part because my little guy had a tube shoved down his throat and a breathing mask stuck to his face, but also because the nurses who were there when Grayson was born started asking me if they had done certain things in the delivery room:

“Did he have a delayed cord clamping?”

My response: “I don’t even know what you just said to me, man.”

“Has he had his vitamin K shot yet?”

Another nurse’s response: “Yyyyyyyyyyes?”

Yipes. Just yipes.

After a few minutes of holding the breathing mask on Grayson’s face, they decided to move him to a machine that does the same thing, but doesn’t require anyone to hold anything. This also involved moving him to an incubator. After a few minutes of Grayson’s breathing improving, one of the nurses looked at him quizzically.

“Oh,” she said.

“Oh?” I asked.

“See the tube on your son’s nose?”

“Yes.”

“It’s not actually in his nose.”

“What does that mean?” I asked.

“It means the improvements your son is making has nothing to do with the machine. It’s all him.”

Oy vay. I know these folks work hard and are very busy, but… c’mon.

Even though he was taken off the machine (which he was never really on), he still had to spend some time in the ICU, which meant it was a while before he could be with us in the mother-baby unit.

But it was totally worth the wait.

Look at how adorable this kid is.

grayson1

Now, I would like to tell you that everything was hunky-dory from this point on… but… unfortunately… I can’t.

Right after he was born, Grayson had an x-ray of his lungs taken, and before the pediatrician would sign off on our son’s release from the hospital he wanted another lung x-ray taken to see if things had improved. Because it was so late in the day that it was done, that meant we had to spend another night in the hospital. That night, one of the nurses performed a routine check on Grayson’s vitals and found he had an irregular heartbeat, so he was sent back to the ICU.

This was very upsetting. We thought were going to be able to bring our little guy home, but now he was going to have to spend more time in the hospital. Away from us.

This is about the time I cried again. All Sarah and I wanted was for our little guy to be healthy and to bring him home, but things kept popping up that kept this from happening. In my sleep-deprived state, it all seemed really unfair.

I went to feed Grayson in the ICU while Sarah slept in her room (she was even more tired than I was). While I was there the doctors were doing their rounds, going over the other patients in the same room as my little guy, and I couldn’t help overhear while they talked about one baby in particular. It went something like this:

“This is <insert baby’s name here>. They were born at 28 weeks and is currently 2 weeks old. Today we increased baby’s morphine and caffeine, and the social worker tried to get a hold of baby’s parents, but was unable to.”

My heart sank. I thought Grayson was having a rough start, but THAT poor child was having a ROUGH start.

The next time Grayson was due to be fed, both Sarah and I went to the ICU to spend some time with the little guy.

And we were greeted with wonderful news.

“Oh, that was fast,” said the nurse.

“Huh?” I replied in my typical elegant fashion.

The nurse smiled. “You didn’t hear? You guys get to go home today.”

A couple hours later, we did just that.

IMG_4413

And now we’re all very happy… and exhausted.

Grayson’s two weeks old at this point, and this is what I’ve learned about him:

  1. He is hungry all the time.
  1. If you change his diaper, he will pee on you.
  1. Have you ever watched a movie where someone lets out a comically loud fart? THAT’S the sound Grayson makes when he poops.
  1. He may have my wife’s eyes, but he has my shoulder hair.

And what about big brother? People have asked how Fox gets along with his little brother.

The truth is Fox didn’t pay much mind to Grayson until we brought out the baby toys. This made his little brother much more interesting.

Also, Grayson’s crying is, according to Fox, “very noisy”. The irony is completely lost on him.

Well, that’s it for now. Now that I’m on parental leave I’d like to think I have more time for writing, but based on the first couple weeks, I’m not sure that’s going to happen. Regardless, I hope to write again soon.

In the meantime, I will leave you with this:

BABY-BAMPF!

 

 

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Now with a new fresh scent! (or Keeping up with the Lackies)

Hello there!  Welcome back to another exciting post on Chris Lackie – The Blog!

I’ve been away from this little corner of the internet for a while now, busy with the responsibilities of a parent with a young child, and a regular job that has required me to put in a lot of extra hours over the last while. But do not think I have forgotten about you!  I’ve actually been working on something that has turned out to be a fair bit larger than I had originally thought it would be, but that only means that when it’s ready (which will hopefully be soon-ish) it will be the greatest (or at least largest and newest) thing I have ever done! So keep your eyes open for that!

Speaking of things I am working on, I am also planning on doing another Funko Fight Club in the relatively near future (after the other thing I am working on is done) which will be functionally similar to the other versions, but with a twist (which isn’t much of a twist… it’ll just be… very slightly different)! To whet your appetite for that, I thought I would share a couple pictures of some of the Funko figures I have recently acquired.  First, let’s head to Sunnydale to see what’s going on near the Hellmouth!

From left to right: Oz, Willow, Buffy, Angel, Spike and The Gentleman (also featured - Silent Bob, because I am a terrible photographer)

From left to right: Oz, Willow,Buffy, Angel, Spike and The Gentleman (also featured – Silent Bob, because I am a terrible photographer)

It pleases me to no end that Buffy is holding a little tiny spike (not a euphemism), and that Spike has a scar on his eyebrow (just like the show!).  I think the people at Funko did a great job with these figures, but how does the first release (I assume there will be more) not include Xander? It’s like doing a line of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle figures and not including Donatello.  Xander is part of the Scoobies and he should have been included in the initial release.  I assume the lack of Xander figure will be rectified in the near future.

Now let’s move away from the Hellmouth and head to the literal hell on Earth that is Arkham Asylum!

There's nothing Batman likes better than being surrounded by his friends.

There’s nothing Batman likes better than being surrounded by his friends.

Of all the different versions I have, these may be my favourite renderings of Joker, Harley Quinn and Batman. Joker’s outfit and face are incredibly detailed (it’s hard to see, but Joker’s got a bunch of wrinkles on his forehead, and if you’ve played the Arkham Asylum games you would know why), Harley’s costume looks plain awesome.  They’ve even found a way to make Batman look like he’s wearing armour, which is consistent with the games. Unfortunately, I have been unable to locate the Poison Ivy and Killer Croc figures that are part of this line, but hopefully I’ll get my hands on them relatively soon.

Okay, lets change direction now and take a look at what is happening in my life.  First, Sarah has decided that the main floor of our house needs a new coat of paint.  Here is what our front hallway and foyer look like now.

It's blue now!

It’s blue now!

Beautiful, no?  My wife has excellent taste (which I guess means I also have excellent taste because I chose to marry her).

And did you guys know that Sarah and I have our own podcast called Our Kid is Asleep? You can download any or all of our episodes from iTunes (just search for Our Kid is Asleep!), or you can listen to the latest episode here:

Our Kid is Asleep! 6 – Keanu Reeves is the Greatest Actor of Our Generation

In this episode, we talk about the amazing acting of Keanu Reeves, John Travolta and Nicolas Cage, as well as a bunch of other cool stuff, like telemarketing and furnace repair!

Moving on, earlier I mentioned my parental responsibilities.  Well, I feel I would be failing in those responsibilities if I did not share that our little baby boy is now one year old! This kid is practically a giant.  Take a look at how big he is now.

IMG_4972

He’s the one on the left.

Super adorable, right? I guess that means that I am also super adorable since, you know, I helped make him.

So that’s it for now. Thanks for taking the time to read my blog. Hopefully you’ll be hearing from me again soon, but this time with something so huge it will blow your socks off!*

*Sock blowing not guaranteed.

BAMPF!

Dear Baby: You Need To Sleep Now

Hello friends,

As you know, I am the father of a beautiful baby boy. Being a parent is wonderful, incredible, fun, exciting, fulfilling and rewarding experience.

Except for those times when it isn’t.

Believe me, the tough times are relatively few and far between, but when things go south they go very, very south.

Recently my son decided that sleep was for the weak, and that he wasn’t going to go for something so typical and average. So instead he decided to stay awake, and keep his dear old dad up for company.

He was up for hours.

I wondered to myself, why won’t my baby go to sleep? He’s tired… it’s dark… what’s the problem? Of course, my son couldn’t answer me except to say: “uhhhhhhhhh!”

Why would an exhausted human being (even a little one) do everything in his power to stay awake? He was kicking his legs, stretching his head back, twisting his body around in a hundred different ways. Why? What does he think he’s going to miss?

So once I decided to give up trying to put him back down to sleep (guess 5 AM is as good a time as any to start the day), I went online to figure out why exactly my exhausted kid wouldn’t go back to bed (because if the internet can’t solve a problem, no one can).

I Googled the phrase “I’m exhausted my kid won’t sleep why is this happening to me SRSLY WTF!?!?!?” As expected, this turned out to be a very common Google search term with many results. I clicked on one of the first links which led to a website called Mummyology, with an article called “10 Reasons Why Babies Don’t Sleep”. Perfect! If I can figure out the root cause of the problem, then finding the solution to that problem should be easy-peasy, right?

So here is the list from Mummyology, including my thoughts on whether this particular reason can explain why my special little guy can’t manage to fall asleep, as well as if I can use this information to help my kid fall asleep in the future.

1. He’s hungry – Nope. I offered him formula and he responded by spitting out the bottle and slapping my hands away. Doesn’t sound like the actions of a hungry baby.

2. He’s thirsty – Nope. See above.

3. He’s over-tired (over-stimulated) – Well, he was definitely over-tired. That happens when you’re already exhausted and you refuse to sleep. And over-stimulated? Well, if the small green light on the baby monitor counts as stimulation, I guess that could be a problem as well. It’s amazing when I think about it. Every time I try to get him to sleep, he always manages to find a small source of light to focus on. It could be the light from his baby monitor, the light that creeps into his room from downstairs, or even the light from the neighbour’s house across the street coming through his window. Either way, light somehow manages to help him stay awake. I may have to institute a neighbourhood-wide no light policy in the near future.

4. He needs movement – It never occurred to me, but I guess this explains why babies are more likely to fall asleep when they are being walked around or rocked. However, it is impossible to either walk my kid around or rock him if I am to sleep. So unfortunately, keeping baby mobile in the middle of the night is not an option.

5. He needs to suck – If this refers to my life force, mission accomplished. Just kidding, I know what this means (but seriously, my kid can completely drain the energy from me). Luckily, my son is willing to use a soother, but sometimes it doesn’t have the desired effect of helping him sleep. Instead, using a pacifier can lead to my son waking up if it falls out of his mouth. Either way, sucking wasn’t helping my kid (or me) the other night.

6. He’s learning a new skill – Is keeping me awake a skill?

7. He needs a change in routine – I get that. When your life consists of eating, playing, pooping and (occasionally) sleeping, things can get stale after a while. Well, I can assure you that nothing changes a routine like staying awake all night.

8. He wants to be close to me – Well that’s just adorable. At least it would be if his desire to be close to me didn’t extend into the wee hours of the morning. It can be pretty frustrating. When I hold him, he sleeps like… well… a baby. He can sleep like a rock in my arms, but the moment I put him down he wakes up. If he’s asleep, how does he know I’m not holding him anymore? He’s got some form of superbaby alertness superpower.

9. He’s teething – I think we have a winner here. My little boy already has two teeth popping out of his lower gum and has a couple others starting to show at the top. His cheeks are all red and he’s super drooly. If only there was a magical pill to make teething pain go away. Baby medicine can only do so much.

10. He’s in pain – Yup, having little pieces of bone poking through your gums will cause some pain. Raising a baby would be so much easier if they could tell you what’s bothering them. In this case, I know my kid is teething, so I know that’s where his pain is coming from. If he wasn’t teething however, I would have no idea what the problem is. I guess you just have to do your best in making your baby comfortable. Unfortunately, sometimes that means being awake at all hours of the night. Remember that episode of the Simpson’s where Homer’s brother (did you remember he had a brother?) invents that machine that can translate baby talk into English? Someone needs to get on making that a reality. Now.

Well, I don’t know how helpful this list is, but at least I know there are only 10 reasons why a baby may not be able to sleep (yup).

Having a baby that can’t sleep can be frustrating to say the least, but I guess it’s the price you pay to be a parent. And being a parent is the best job in the world…

…Except for maybe an ice cream taste tester for Ben and Jerry’s. I hear those guys get full health benefits.

What was I talking about again?

Oh yeah…

NO SLEEP BAMPF!!!

Chris Lackie – The Blog: Triumphant!

Hello Everyone!

Welcome to the triumphant return of Chris Lackie – The Blog!

I’ve thought long and hard on what the topic of this entry should be. I mean, with all that time away I can only imagine that the expectations for this post are extremely high. At the same time, I don’t want to rush into things and, you know, pull a muscle or something. So, in order to avoid making the wrong choice, I have decided to ease back into the proceedings by letting you the fans decide what topics will be covered in this post. That way, if this post sucks, it will be entirely your fault. That’s right, folks. It’s time to dig into the Mail Bag!

 

Chris, when you first started your blog you described a day in your life. Now that you have a baby, what is a typical day like for you? Do you still hang out with Kareem Abdul Jabbar?

Justin in Jakarta

Good question, JJ (a person who totally exists). Unfortunately Kareem and I had to put our regular game on hold once my son was born. But he knows that, as a licensed babysitter (I presume), he is more than welcome to watch my kid whenever he likes.

Anyway, here is a quick summary of a typical day now that I’m a father. To start, up until a week ago, I would wake up and shovel the snow out of my driveway (because it will not stop snowing in Ottawa – This place is seriously the worst). Otherwise, I basically spend all of my time staring at my son. I don’t want to miss anything cool that he may do. The other day, for example, he rolled over. I was incredibly proud. My wife and I both cheered, and he just laid there, puzzled as to what had happened and how one moment he was looking at the floor and then suddenly he was looking at the ceiling. We were doubly excited when we flipped him back onto his stomach and he rolled over again. He hasn’t done it since, though. I guess he’s going to rest on his laurels for a while.

One of the more impressive things my son does is while he’s lying on his stomach he lifts his head, arms and legs off the ground and just holds in that position for minutes. Have you ever tried to do that? It’s really hard, and my son does it like a champion. No big deal. He also blows raspberries. Again, like a champion.

In short, I pretty much sit around and watch my son do cool things like roll over, lift up his arms and legs, and spit.

I also time travel. No big deal.

 

Chris, please answer an age old comic book question: Who would win in a fight? Hulk or the Thing?

Boris in Borgholm

Hey BB (yet another person who is absolutely real), that’s a really stupid question. The answer is obviously Batman. I know what you’re thinking: That answer is so obvious! How did I not see it before? Well, you didn’t think of it because you’re not Batman. He’d win because he’s the best. And he’s a scientist. That’s gotta count for something.

Hey, sorry for saying your question was stupid, but sometimes the truth hurts.

 

Now that you have taken a break from writing your blog, presumably you are recharged and ready to start being creative again. Is there anything new and exciting that your fans can look forward to in the coming months?

Real Person in Real-Person-Ville, USA

Uh, is writing about movies and comics new and exciting? No? In that case, nope. I don’t have a single new thing planned. It’s going to be the same old stuff.

Hrm.

Something just occurred to me. Maybe I can make my blog seem new if I rebrand everything! That makes things better, right? Maybe every post will feature the tagline: Now with 35% more sarcasm! Or maybe I could go with: Now with a new fresh scent! Smells like awesome to me. Or maybe I’ll just give my blog a new hat or something. That’s it. Now we’re printing money.

Oh, I almost forgot! The blog may only have a new smell, but I have recently started something completely different. I’m happy to announce that my wife and I have started OUR KID IS ASLEEP!, a brand new monthly podcast! You can listen to the first episode here:

http://www.podcastgarden.com/podcast/ourkidisasleep

In the first episode, we talk about ourselves (we’re awesome), our son (he’s awesome), our pet peeves (stupid cats crapping in our garden), and we wrap things up with a chat about the advancements of vagina-related science (hehe… I said vagina).

You should give it a listen. There’s a chance you might like it.  And check out this sweet artwork that my wife designed for the show!

ourkidisasleep

OUR KID IS ASLEEP! also has its own email and Twitter. You can email us at ourkidisasleep@gmail.com and find us on Twitter at @OurKidisAsleep. If you send us an email or a tweet, we’ll probably read it on the show. If you follow us on Twitter, we’ll probably follow you right back. So at the very least, following us on Twitter will get you one more follower. Who doesn’t want that?

Now, if everything goes according to plan, OUR KID IS ASLEEP! will available on iTunes in the near future. When that happens, there won’t be any reason for all of you not to subscribe to the podcast. It don’t cost nothin’ and you’ll make me feel good. It would hurt my feelings if you didn’t subscribe. I mean, you don’t want to hurt my feelings do you?

That’s it for now. I hope you’re as excited as I am for the return of Chris Lackie – The Blog!

Be excited, dammit!

Be excited!

EXCITEMENT BAMPF!

There’s something lurking in Oshawa… Still!

Welcome to another edition of Chris Lackie – The Blog!  How about that Superbowl, huh?  Did you see when that guy threw the thing and the guy caught it and did that other thing and then he got hit and fell on that other guy’s thing?  Wasn’t that amazing?  I’m really happy that the <winning team> won.  I really hate those <losing team> guys.

Anyway, last week I started telling the story about that time I kicked a blood-sucking vampire in the junk.  If you’re too lazy to go back and read the story so far, here’s the uber-short version:  I met a homeless guy in Oshawa who told me about a bunch of vampires that were causing problems in the neighbourhood.  I didn’t believe him (or care) until he told me that the vampires were looking for a human child to lead them into battle with the human race.  Once I heard that, I realized that the vampires must be looking for my baby (because he is the best thing that has ever existed).

Now, here is the thrilling conclusion of the internet epic:  There’s Something Lurking in Oshawa…  Dun Dun Dun!!!!

     After the homeless guy told me that there was a group of vampires looking for a human child, I came to the obvious conclusion that they were looking for my son (because he is the bestest boy in the whole wide world).  I hurried back to my mother’s house to prepare.  Of course, as with anything I need to get ready for, I prepared by watching television.  After 4 hours of watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer, I learned that all you need to defeat undead suck-faces is a quick wit and a knowledge of pop culture.  Lucky for me I have both in spades (both David and Kate).

     It was late, and my wife and son were already sleeping.  I gave them both a kiss on the forehead, grabbed a flashflight, and then headed out into the darkness of night to face the demons that awaited me.  Although, to be fair, they didn’t know I was coming, so they weren’t exactly ‘awaiting’ me.  But, you know, whatever.

     I made my way towards the beach to meet my enemy, passing random people on the street and wondering if they knew what horrors lurk in their home town.  It didn’t matter if they knew or not.  I was going to make it safe.

     Once there, I walked into the blackness of the cave.  I flipped the switch on the flashlight, only to find the batteries were dead.  I was suddenly very afraid.  I should turn back, I thought to myself.  No, if I don’t go through with this now I may never come back.  And I have to do this.  I have to do this for my son.  The darkness enveloped me further with each step I took.  After walking blind for what seemed like an eternity, I finally saw a glowing red pin prick in the distance.  What a pretty firefly, I thought.  As I continued further into the cave the light split into two.  Heh, the little bug has a buddy.  Suddenly another pair of red lights appeared.  Then another.  Then another.  Then another.  Then another.  Specks of bright red appeared two at a time, all around me.  It was a few moments before I noticed that each red pair moved in unison.  I then realized what I was looking at.  They weren’t little fireflies.  They were eyes.

     A blast of heat hit me from behind.  I wheeled around to see a torch being held by a wrinkled grey hand. Behind the flame was a pair of bright crimson eyes, buried deep in a face of ash leather that came to a point at the chin.  As we locked eyes the creature smiled to reveal a pair of sharp, stained fangs.

     “Well, I guess I found you,” I declared, trying to sound brave.

     “It’s not very often that a meal comes to our doorstep,” said the vampire holding the torch.  “We normally like to hunt for our food, but I shouldn’t complain.”  He nodded towards the shadows, signalling for another vampire to take the torch.  Once he handed the fire to another creature he turned his attention back to me and licked his lips.  “You look delicious.”

     “You’re right, I am delicious,” I replied, “but that’s not why I am here.  I’m here because I know about your prophecy.  I know you are looking for a human child to lead you to glory.  I am the father of that child, and I am here to tell you…“ I stepped closer to the vampire. “You cannot have him.”

     The vampire’s eyes opened wide.  “So you are the father of our chosen one.  How delightful it is to meet you.  Let me introduce myself.  My name is Charles.”

     “Charles? That’s a stupid name for a vampire,” I snorted.

     “I must thank you,” he continued, “we’ve been searching for your son for a long time.  We weren’t sure we would ever find him, but now that you’re here, we will.  Minions, restrain this man!”

     “Wait!” I yelled, which seemed to stop the other vampires in their tracks.  I knew I was in over my head.  There was no way I could take all these vamps by myself, no matter how much wit or pop culture knowledge I had.  Perhaps going into a vampire nest alone with no weapons and a faulty flashlight was a bad idea, but there I was.  I knew I had to think of something fast.  The vampires started coming towards me again, and my mind immediately went to an old tactic that I use whenever I’m in serious trouble.

     “I can’t help but notice there are no lady vamps around.  Is this some sort of gay thing?”  I asked.

     “What?  No, of course not,” the leader replied defiantly.

     “It isn’t?” queried a voice from the back.

     “Shut up, Stanley!” demanded Charles.

     “Hehe.  I knew it,” I chuckled out loud to myself, but loud enough so that all the deadheads around me heard.

     “Enough!” Charles was super-pissed now.  “I will end your wretched life right now!”

     Charles came towards me, his eyes full of hate and rage, his mouth eager to bite into my delicious flesh.  Not knowing what else to do, I did what any brave man would do:  I kicked the vampire in the testicles as hard as I could.  I braced myself for a counter attack, but I couldn’t have predicted what happened next.

     “Ahh! My nuts! My only weakness!” squealed a now high-voiced Charles.

     “Only weakness?” I replied. “What about stakes and crosses and garlic and all that stuff?”

     “No,” Charles answered, “few people know our only true weakness is kicks to the balls.”

     “I’ll be sure to remember that,” I said, but then quickly forgot.

     “Now that you know our Achilles heel…” began Charles, before he was interrupted.

     “More like Achilles balls!” shouted the voice from the back.

     “I swear to God, Stanley, if you speak again I will rip out your throat!” yelled Charlie the vampire, still holding his sore nuts.  After rubbing his sore package for a few moments (which was awkward… and… slightly erotic), the vampire returned his focus to me.  “After the events that have transpired here today…”

     “You mean me kicking you in the testicles?”

     The vamp sighed. “Yes, after you kicked me in the testicles, I decided that we will no longer seek the chosen one.  We will leave you and your son, Archibald Davis Matthews, alone.”

     “Uh, Archie who?” I asked.

     “Archibald Davis Matthews,” Charles said slowly, “is he not your son?”

     “No.”

     “Oh. Either way, you have represented the humans well. We will leave you be.”

     “Huh?” I had already started leaving. “Sorry, I  stopped listening.  What are you babbling on about?”

     “We will no longer hunt you or your kind,” said Charles, deflated.

     “Okay sure, whatever.  You guys can do whatever you want.  If you’re not trying to get my son then I don’t give a crap what you do.”  The vampires followed me like sad little puppies as I made my way out of their cave.  The sun was just coming over the horizon as I reached the entrance. I turned for one last look at the vampires. “Peace out, homies.”

And that’s the story of how I kicked a vampire in his nuts. It was pretty awesome. And let this be a lesson to you:  If a homeless person tells you that there are vampires in your neighbourhood, they are probably telling you the truth.  Also, if you live in the Oshawa area, you should be careful. There are vampires about.

BAMPF!

Father and Son: A Discussion

Hey folks!  Are you ready for another exciting post that a lot of thought went into and was definitely not written in 15 minutes?  Of course you are!  You read this blog for the insightful discourse and the thought provoking debate that follows.  According to some very reliable sources (that I did not make up in my head), Chris Lackie – The Blog is the most intelligent website on the internet.

On a related note, have you guys ever seen the movie Zack and Miri Make a Porno?  I like the scene where the girl poops in the guy’s face.

Anyway, for this week’s post, I thought I would interview my not quite one-month old son.  Everyone wants to know what children are thinking, so why not ask one of the more handsome ones directly?  What I thought would be a fascinating discussion turned into the most interesting conversation I have ever had.  Without further adieu, here is my interview with my son.

Father:  Well son, you joined this world almost a month ago.  How have you been enjoying life?

Son: 

Father:  Yes, it’s really hard to put into words, isn’t it?  Life is a most extraordinary thing, with so much adventure and excitement.  How about we focus on your home life?  What do you think of your parents?

Son:  *Blurp*

Father:  That’s a little harsh, isn’t it?  I mean, we’re new at this parenting thing.  You seem to be doing okay.  You appear to be eating enough, and you don’t really need much else.  Is there something you think we could improve on?

Son:  *Gyuk*

Father:  Hrm.  That’s a fair comment.  It’s something that your mother and I discussed before you were born.  I thought we settled on the right answer, but from what you’re saying it sounds like we’ll need to go back to the drawing board and re-evaluate our position.  I appreciate your feedback.

Son:  *Gurgle*

Father:  You just experienced your first Christmas and you were given a lot of presents.  Santa Claus even stopped by to give you an exer-saucer for when you’re a little older.  What do you think about your first big holiday?

Son:  *Eh-eh-eh-eh*

Father:  Yes, I agree that Christmas has gotten way too commercial, but it does give people a nice excuse to spend time with family.  For my birthday, your mother gave me the Batman Beyond box set.  You and I have watched about a dozen episodes already.  What do you think?

Son:  *Gah-ya-ya-ya-ya*

Father:  Haha! Yes!  Batman is the best, isn’t he?  Now I know you’re very busy, so how about I ask you one last question?  Do you need Daddy to change your bum?

Son:  That question is demeaning to us both.

Father:  Huh?  Sorry, what did you say?  I was distracted by a bit of lint on my sweater.

Son:  *Hiccup*

Father:  Aw do you have the hiccups, buddy?  Come here.

After I held my son until his hiccups went away and changed his bum, he promptly fell asleep.  Clearly our interview took a toll on him.  *Yawn*  Geez, I guess it took a lot out of me too.  Alright, I guess it’s nap time for everyone.

SLEEPY-BAMPF!

Giving Birth: A Male Perspective – Part 2: Even More Perspective

Hello Everyone!

In my last post I discussed the birth of my son.  In short, it took a long time and was really gross, but both my wife and I were happy with the end result.  Now I am going to discuss what happened when I officially became a parent.  Like last time, I will start off by saying that everyone who helped us at the hospital was great, and by no means should anything I say be taken as a slight against the hospital or its staff.

Once the little guy came out I was suddenly very aware of how many other people in the room.  There was me and my wife (obviously), the doctor who delivered our baby, another doctor watching our baby be delivered, two nurses (one encouraging Sarah to push, another… doing something I can’t remember), and four people from the critical care unit… or was it intensive care?  My memory is already failing me.  Anyway, when my son was born he was immediately carried over to the critical (or intensive) care people so they could suck the poop out of his mouth and nose before he took a big breath (that’s a thing, apparently).  While they cleaned him up, Sarah and I just looked at him.  I was already enthralled, and I’m sure my wife was too. That, and exhausted.  After a few moments they offered him to me.  I was incredibly nervous.  I walked around my wife and the doctors that were tending to her, and made my way over to him (careful not to look at what the doctors were doing… I know there are some things you can’t unsee).  As I held him for the first time, I was amazed by how alert he was.  His eyes were open and clear, and he seemed to be giving me the “shifty eyes”.  My first thought was that my son was evil, but then he peed on me, which made me realize he’s just a practical joker. 

I walked him back around the doctors who were tending to my wife (still careful not to look at what they were doing) and took extra care not to slip on any of the fluids that were all over the floor (yup… that’s a thing you have to worry about).  I held him for a few moments and then passed him over to his mom, which was awkward because she was still lying on her back.  Even so, she still managed to hold him for a few minutes. 

When they were done with Sarah and baby, we got a chance to relax by ourselves (with the exception of the nurse assigned to us) in the birthing room before heading to the “Mother-Baby Unit”.  After moving to the new unit, I realized we were spoiled in the birthing room.  The birthing room was private and I had a place to sleep.  No such luck in our new room.  The recovery room was semi-private and there was nowhere for yours truly to sleep.  For the first night, we shared the room with another couple with a newborn (who will forever have parents who don’t seem to get along and a father with a face tattoo… poor kid).  Luckily on the first night we had a nurse who didn’t mind bending the rules as I got to sleep on a gurney mat on the floor next to Sarah.  What amazed us was how quiet our son was.  Even with another baby in the room screaming (which was all the time), our guy barely made a peep.  It was actually a bit of a relief on the second night when our son woke up screaming.  It was nice to know that if he was hungry, he’d let us know.

What wasn’t nice was that on the second day our little bundle of joy wasn’t eating enough, which resulted in him having low blood sugar.  This meant the pediatrician and the nurses wanted him to stay in the hospital for another day.  This sucked because it meant we’d have to stay an extra day in the hospital, and, more importantly, I believed I had already failed as a parent.  How could I have done so poorly that my son already had a medical problem?  As it turned out the solution was as simple as supplementing his meals with formula, but for a moment I really thought I was the worst parent ever.  What I learned from this experience is that breast feeding doesn’t exactly come naturally to babies.  I mean, they know that they are hungry and they know that they need to suck to eat, but they don’t necessary know that they need to keep sucking in order to get food from their mom who isn’t producing a ton of milk (or as I also learned, milk-like substance… because women don’t automatically start producing what the average joe would consider milk).  In fact, there were two different “lactation consultants” who gave Sarah advice on how to feed our baby and how to produce more milk.  Who knew such a position existed?

Our stay was pretty uneventful after that. Our poor little guy had to undergo regular tests to check his blood sugar levels, but in the end he was fine.  I didn’t get the gurney mat the second night, so I tried to sleep in a chair.  When that failed, Sarah and I tried to share her bed, which was moderately more successful than the chair, but still terrible.  The next day I went home to grab a camping mat to sleep on the third night.  It wasn’t as good as the gurney mat, but way better than the chair. 

We were finally able to bring our son home on a Wednesday.  For those of you keeping track, we checked into the hospital on a Friday, which means we spent a total of 5 nights in the hospital.  It was a long time, but totally worth it.  I was thrilled to give our little guy a tour of his home.  He is a big fan of my Funko Pop Vinyl Figures.  I know this because it was the only part of the tour he didn’t sleep through.

So that’s how it all went down.  It was a long process (especially for my wife), but I don’t think we would change anything.  Except for the fact that our son likes to sleep during the day and be awake all night.  I really wish we could change that.

BABY-BAMPF!