I think about death a lot. And not the good kind like “Metal” or “of the Endless”, either. No, I think a lot about my own demise. Not necessarily about how it’s going to happen (because I already know it’ll be in my sleep, while I’m on top of a pile of money I didn’t have to work for… or spontaneous human combustion), but more what is going to happen at that moment. And it isn’t that I worry about not knowing what will happen or what it’s going to feel like… it’s more that I have a pretty good idea of what will happen when I die, and it kind of scares the shit out of me.
This is what I think happens when people die: You know that very brief moment between when you fall asleep at night and when you wake up the next morning? That split second that sleep seems to take when you have no dreams? That’s death. Only you never wake up, so that split second lasts forever.
And that thought absolutely fucking terrifies me.
I think it’s the fact that the nothingness will never end that scares me. If I knew that something came afterwards… after the moment where life ends and death begins… maybe I wouldn’t pee a little bit every time the notion of eternal sleep pops into my head. And as much as I’d like to believe that there is a heaven or some other place where you go where you can be reunited with all of the loved ones that already passed away (including pets, like my first and second hamsters, both of whom were named Muffin), I just can’t bring myself to think it’s going to happen. It’s such a nice thought, but I am far too cynical to believe that the universe functions in such a way, so as to bring about a perfect outcome when all is said and done. Life is far too messy for everything to work out in the end. Why should death be any different?
Do you know what would be great? Reincarnation. It would take an absolutely terrifying thing like death and turn it into a more nerve-racking experience… like the first day at a new school. But instead of wondering what your classmates will be like or whether your teachers will be any good or whether the pretty girl sitting in the front row will ever acknowledge your existence, you’d wonder about what you are going to come back as. Another human being born in a different part of the world? Or maybe a blood-sucking leech? Either way, it would be interesting to see the world from the prospective of a different creature. And you wouldn’t… you know… completely cease to exist.
Or what about being a ghost? Maybe after I die I can come back as a spectre. I wouldn’t haunt anyone or be cause for alarm. I just want to hang out on Earth and look at stuff. The world is full of things to see, and new things are being made all the time, so it’s not like there’s a risk that I’d get bored and start messing with the living (by, like, hiding their shoes and whatnot). It’d be cool to be able to communicate with other ghosts, but hey, if I just have to bomb around the planet, being invisible and not able to talk to anyone else, that’s okay. I can live with that. Or rather, I can be dead with that. Transitioning from being alive to being ghost doesn’t seem scary to me.
I know that some people will think, look, dummy… you don’t need to worry about death because once it happens you’re not going to care. It’s hard to care about something when you’re brain no longer functions. My response is twofold: First, shut up. And second, while it may be true that I won’t care about death once it happens, I know now that it’s going to happen, and I can’t just not know something I already know… you know? Other people may say that I should just not think about death. It can’t scare me if I put it out of my mind. Well, to that I say, please refer to my first response to the last suggestion.
Here’s another idea. How about instead of dying, we all just live forever? Poppycock, you say? It’s impossible, you say? Well, you know what? If God can create us, then He sure as hell can give us eternal life. Or, if He can’t (because He’s too busy with other important matters, like creating new super viruses that will one day wipe us all out) I’m sure science will find a way to let us live forever. I’ve heard people say that they wouldn’t want to be immortal, because eventually you would be tired of living. I call bullshit. Think of all the shit you could get done if you lived forever. Of course, you would accomplish dick-all if your body turned to mush, but I figure if science can make you live forever, then it can find a way to stop your body from completely falling apart. The moral of this is if you or someone you know is a wizard or deity or some other type of omnipotent being that can grant me everlasting life, please send them my way. Living forever sounds amazing to me.
So, to sum up: Death is nothingness. When it happens, you don’t exist anymore, even though your physical body is still there. This is a concept that scares the shit out of me, and I can’t figure out a way to stop thinking about it. I understand that death ultimately comes for us all, and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. I just wish it didn’t have to last forever.
Sorry this was such a bummer of a post. I wish I had something else to say so that I can end on a high note. Wait… I think I have…
Nope. I’ve got nothing.