The Suicide of Martin Weir – Prologue

Marcus,

I’ll cut right to the point. I’m a terrible father. I used to be a terrible husband too, but since the divorce I guess I don’t have to worry about that anymore. Now all I have to worry about is being a terrible dad. Of course, that’s assuming you or your sister still think of me as a parent. I wouldn’t blame either of you if you didn’t. I wasn’t around much when you guys were young and now I see you even less. I can’t even remember the last time I saw or spoke to your sister. Beth must hate me for what I did to the both of you. And for what I did to your mom.

I don’t want to waste your time, so I’ll try to keep it short. Don’t waste your life on things that aren’t important to you. The last few times I’ve seen you, I’ve seen a look in your eyes. It’s the “I don’t want to be here” look. Don’t worry, I’m not offended. To be honest, it’s the same look I see when I look at myself in the mirror. I just want you to be happy, and if that means you and me not spending time together, so be it. Don’t get me wrong, I like seeing you, but I can tell that it just doesn’t interest you. I completely understand. I wouldn’t want to spend time with me either. I’ve had 22 years to connect with you, and it hasn’t happened. That’s my fault, not yours.

I’m not sure if you’ll bother to read this letter or how it will even get to you. It’s taken me a while to get the courage to write this, but I don’t know if I’ll ever be brave enough to drop it in a mail box. It’s sort of funny, actually. Most people don’t have the stones to do what I do for a living, but I’m too chicken shit to take a walk to the post office. That’s life for you, I guess.

I don’t want you to feel bad for me. I’ve lived a difficult life, but that’s my fault. We’re all responsible for the choices we make and now I have to deal with the consequences of those choices. Part of that is being a failure as a father and as a husband. But maybe the biggest consequence of my choices is being a failure as a human being. Maybe that’s why I gravitated towards the field I’m in. I’m a cop who fights real life monsters. I couldn’t handle being a human being so I spent my time dealing with things that are less than human.

I’d like to think I’ve done some good in my life, but I know that in order to do that good, I turned my back on what should have been most important to me. I’m sorry it took me so long to realize something that would have been obvious to most people. Unfortunately for you, your dad is one of the dumbest people around.

After this, you won’t hear from me again. But I want to leave you with one last thing. Please don’t make the same mistakes I have. You work so hard, but what good is it if you don’t have anyone to share it with? Love and family. I can tell you from experience that those are the things that are most important. In the end, work is just to pay the bills.

No matter what happens, and no matter what has happened, I want you to know I love you. I always have and I always will. I hope that if you read this, you’ll tell your sister and your mom that I love them too.

Again, don’t make the same mistakes I have. You’re too good a person to end up like me.

I love you so much.

Dad

 

End of Prologue

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