Welcome to another edition of Chris Lackie – The Blog! How about that Superbowl, huh? Did you see when that guy threw the thing and the guy caught it and did that other thing and then he got hit and fell on that other guy’s thing? Wasn’t that amazing? I’m really happy that the <winning team> won. I really hate those <losing team> guys.
Anyway, last week I started telling the story about that time I kicked a blood-sucking vampire in the junk. If you’re too lazy to go back and read the story so far, here’s the uber-short version: I met a homeless guy in Oshawa who told me about a bunch of vampires that were causing problems in the neighbourhood. I didn’t believe him (or care) until he told me that the vampires were looking for a human child to lead them into battle with the human race. Once I heard that, I realized that the vampires must be looking for my baby (because he is the best thing that has ever existed).
Now, here is the thrilling conclusion of the internet epic: There’s Something Lurking in Oshawa… Dun Dun Dun!!!!
After the homeless guy told me that there was a group of vampires looking for a human child, I came to the obvious conclusion that they were looking for my son (because he is the bestest boy in the whole wide world). I hurried back to my mother’s house to prepare. Of course, as with anything I need to get ready for, I prepared by watching television. After 4 hours of watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer, I learned that all you need to defeat undead suck-faces is a quick wit and a knowledge of pop culture. Lucky for me I have both in spades (both David and Kate).
It was late, and my wife and son were already sleeping. I gave them both a kiss on the forehead, grabbed a flashflight, and then headed out into the darkness of night to face the demons that awaited me. Although, to be fair, they didn’t know I was coming, so they weren’t exactly ‘awaiting’ me. But, you know, whatever.
I made my way towards the beach to meet my enemy, passing random people on the street and wondering if they knew what horrors lurk in their home town. It didn’t matter if they knew or not. I was going to make it safe.
Once there, I walked into the blackness of the cave. I flipped the switch on the flashlight, only to find the batteries were dead. I was suddenly very afraid. I should turn back, I thought to myself. No, if I don’t go through with this now I may never come back. And I have to do this. I have to do this for my son. The darkness enveloped me further with each step I took. After walking blind for what seemed like an eternity, I finally saw a glowing red pin prick in the distance. What a pretty firefly, I thought. As I continued further into the cave the light split into two. Heh, the little bug has a buddy. Suddenly another pair of red lights appeared. Then another. Then another. Then another. Then another. Specks of bright red appeared two at a time, all around me. It was a few moments before I noticed that each red pair moved in unison. I then realized what I was looking at. They weren’t little fireflies. They were eyes.
A blast of heat hit me from behind. I wheeled around to see a torch being held by a wrinkled grey hand. Behind the flame was a pair of bright crimson eyes, buried deep in a face of ash leather that came to a point at the chin. As we locked eyes the creature smiled to reveal a pair of sharp, stained fangs.
“Well, I guess I found you,” I declared, trying to sound brave.
“It’s not very often that a meal comes to our doorstep,” said the vampire holding the torch. “We normally like to hunt for our food, but I shouldn’t complain.” He nodded towards the shadows, signalling for another vampire to take the torch. Once he handed the fire to another creature he turned his attention back to me and licked his lips. “You look delicious.”
“You’re right, I am delicious,” I replied, “but that’s not why I am here. I’m here because I know about your prophecy. I know you are looking for a human child to lead you to glory. I am the father of that child, and I am here to tell you…“ I stepped closer to the vampire. “You cannot have him.”
The vampire’s eyes opened wide. “So you are the father of our chosen one. How delightful it is to meet you. Let me introduce myself. My name is Charles.”
“Charles? That’s a stupid name for a vampire,” I snorted.
“I must thank you,” he continued, “we’ve been searching for your son for a long time. We weren’t sure we would ever find him, but now that you’re here, we will. Minions, restrain this man!”
“Wait!” I yelled, which seemed to stop the other vampires in their tracks. I knew I was in over my head. There was no way I could take all these vamps by myself, no matter how much wit or pop culture knowledge I had. Perhaps going into a vampire nest alone with no weapons and a faulty flashlight was a bad idea, but there I was. I knew I had to think of something fast. The vampires started coming towards me again, and my mind immediately went to an old tactic that I use whenever I’m in serious trouble.
“I can’t help but notice there are no lady vamps around. Is this some sort of gay thing?” I asked.
“What? No, of course not,” the leader replied defiantly.
“It isn’t?” queried a voice from the back.
“Shut up, Stanley!” demanded Charles.
“Hehe. I knew it,” I chuckled out loud to myself, but loud enough so that all the deadheads around me heard.
“Enough!” Charles was super-pissed now. “I will end your wretched life right now!”
Charles came towards me, his eyes full of hate and rage, his mouth eager to bite into my delicious flesh. Not knowing what else to do, I did what any brave man would do: I kicked the vampire in the testicles as hard as I could. I braced myself for a counter attack, but I couldn’t have predicted what happened next.
“Ahh! My nuts! My only weakness!” squealed a now high-voiced Charles.
“Only weakness?” I replied. “What about stakes and crosses and garlic and all that stuff?”
“No,” Charles answered, “few people know our only true weakness is kicks to the balls.”
“I’ll be sure to remember that,” I said, but then quickly forgot.
“Now that you know our Achilles heel…” began Charles, before he was interrupted.
“More like Achilles balls!” shouted the voice from the back.
“I swear to God, Stanley, if you speak again I will rip out your throat!” yelled Charlie the vampire, still holding his sore nuts. After rubbing his sore package for a few moments (which was awkward… and… slightly erotic), the vampire returned his focus to me. “After the events that have transpired here today…”
“You mean me kicking you in the testicles?”
The vamp sighed. “Yes, after you kicked me in the testicles, I decided that we will no longer seek the chosen one. We will leave you and your son, Archibald Davis Matthews, alone.”
“Uh, Archie who?” I asked.
“Archibald Davis Matthews,” Charles said slowly, “is he not your son?”
“Oh. Either way, you have represented the humans well. We will leave you be.”
“Huh?” I had already started leaving. “Sorry, I stopped listening. What are you babbling on about?”
“We will no longer hunt you or your kind,” said Charles, deflated.
“Okay sure, whatever. You guys can do whatever you want. If you’re not trying to get my son then I don’t give a crap what you do.” The vampires followed me like sad little puppies as I made my way out of their cave. The sun was just coming over the horizon as I reached the entrance. I turned for one last look at the vampires. “Peace out, homies.”
And that’s the story of how I kicked a vampire in his nuts. It was pretty awesome. And let this be a lesson to you: If a homeless person tells you that there are vampires in your neighbourhood, they are probably telling you the truth. Also, if you live in the Oshawa area, you should be careful. There are vampires about.