Welcome to this week’s edition of Chris Lackie – The Blog!
So last week I mentioned that I kicked a vampire in the nards. Now, I am fully aware that stories about kicking a vampire in his undead testicles are a dime a dozen, and are usually more boring than watching the paint dry on your medieval heater shield, but I assure that this story is… probably about the same as the rest.
Last weekend, me and the family went to my mom’s house in Oshawa, Ontario for a visit. Before going to bed one night, I decided to take a stroll down the incredibly clean and safe streets of the town that the locals lovingly refer to as the Dirty ‘Shwa. Just as I passed the third adult video store on the same block, I came across a common sight in Oshawa: A homeless gentleman, wearing a Burger King crown, drinking from a bottle of Aqua Velva aftershave. As a guest of the ‘Shwa, I thought it would be polite if I started the conversation.
“Hey, you gonna finish that?” I asked.
“Give me your goat and I’ll trade you,” the homeless man offered.
“I don’t have a goat, but I may have some magic beans somewhere,” I countered.
“Just as well,” the homeless guy who smelled of musk and urine replied, “it’s too cold for a goat, anyway.”
“It is cold. You should be inside somewhere,” I suggested.
“The shelters are terrible,” he explained. “They’re crowded, they’re messy, and they smell like piss.” He paused for a moment to wipe away the frost that hung in the course yellow hair around his mouth. “And worst of all, they end up being all you can eat buffets.”
“They have all you can eat buffets? That sounds pretty sweet,” I offered.
The homeless gentleman’s eyes narrowed as he spoke. “No. They are buffets.” I must have looked at my new friend with a puzzled expression because he continued. “They come out at night. Just like in the story books and the movies. They come out and they feast on people like me – people who have no family and no one who will care if they’re gone.”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. “What are you talking about? Who is feasting?”
“Vampires, my friend. There are vampires in Oshawa.”
Now, most of the home-challenged people I talk to are crazy, but at that moment I thought the person I was talking to was the nuttiest of them all. “Are you on crazy pills? There is no such thing as vampires. Except of course for the ones that glitter in sunlight.”
“Oh no?” said the homeless guy using a sarcastic tone that is usually reserved for people who don’t sleep under garbage bags on a regular basis. “Well, I guess that’s just a bunch of big kittens living in the cave down by the lake.”
I couldn’t help but grin. “I know you’re being facetious, but thinking about a cave full of big kittens gives me a warm fuzzy feeling.”
“I hear the vampires are getting more aggressive,” noted the man as he finished his bottle of after shave.
“Oh really,” I responded, “did you hear that in an internet chat room for homeless people?”
“There are rumours that they are looking for the chosen one,” the man continued, not acknowledging my very clever jest. “They seek the one true human child that will lead them to the glory that their prophecies have promised them.”
“A human child? Okay, let’s assume that you are correct and there are in fact vampires living in a cave here in Oshawa. How is a human child going to help them?”
“They say that once the chosen one is turned into one of them he will lead them in the war against man. It is said that no one will be able to stop him.”
I sighed loudly. “Right. Anyway, it’s getting late. I should probably head back. The wife’s at home with the baby and I don’t want her to worry. Have a good one.”
As I turned to leave the homeless man exclaimed, “You know, they say the chosen one is an infant. Maybe it’s yours.”
I paused as a sudden sense of dread filled my chest. What if it was all true? What if my baby was the one the vampires were looking for?
“Of course,” the homeless man continued, “the likelihood of it being your kid is pretty small. In fact, the odds are astronomical. I mean, how many infants are there around here? A thousand? Tens of thousands? And that’s just in the immediate area. Who knows how many babies have been born around the world, and who knows if the vampires are even looking in the right place?”
It all made sense. My son is the best baby that has ever been born in the history of the universe, so obviously the evil vampire clan that I know for a fact totally exists would want him as their savior. I knew what had to be done. “I have to go,” I told the homeless gentleman. “Enjoy your evening.”
“Yeah sure,” he said. “Say, can you spare some change?”
“Absolutely not,” I replied as I walked away.
My mission was clear. I couldn’t let the vampires find my son. I had to stop them. Once and for all.
TO BE CONTINUED!