Okay, imagine I’m waving my hands in the air when I say this:
It’s time for everyone’s favourite precursor to the Academy Awards. That means it’s time to get your friends together for a little award show gambling! How many Golden Globe pools have you entered? I personally have signed up for a dozen or so. I am about to make my picks, so why don’t I help you, the layman, make an informed decision on who is going to go home with the gold (globe). Who am I to help you, you ask? Well, as someone who has their finger on the pulse of the film and television community, I believe I am ideally placed to know exactly which films, television shows and actors the Hollywood Foreign Press have chosen as the best and brightest of the past year. So no more fooling around. Let’s get to the categories!
Okay, Best Motion Picture, Musical or Comedy. Let’s see, the nominees are:
American Hustle. Didn’t see it.
Her. Her who? Didn’t see it.
Inside Llewyn Davis. Didn’t see it, but it sounds dirty.
Nebraska. Didn’t see that one either, but it sounds boring.
The Wolf of Wall Street. Didn’t see it because I heard there weren’t actually any wolves in it.
Okay, so I’m flying blind here, but I’m going to pick American Hustle, because it has both Batman and Mystique in it. Hilarity must ensue.
The next category is Best Motion Picture, Drama. The nominees are:
12 Years a Slave. Didn’t see it.
Captain Phillips. Didn’t see it.
Gravity. Oooh! I saw that one! The title is ironic, because there is actually very little gravity in it.
Rush. What a misleading title. I wanted a movie about a Geddy Lee, Neil Peart, and the rest, but instead it’s a movie about car racing. I skipped this one too.
Okay, so Gravity wins because I saw it. Mark that one down.
There are also a bunch of acting categories for film. Let’s see, there’s Best Actor in a Motion Picture, Musical or Comedy…
I didn’t see any of these performances.
How about Best Actress?
Nope, didn’t see any of those either.
Let’s check the Drama side… Best Actor…
I didn’t see any of these movies.
How about Best Actress?
Sandra Bullock in Gravity… there’s your winner right there!
Boom! Gravity takes home another award.
How about film direction? I mean, you have to give it to Alfonso Cuaron for directing Gravity. He shot that movie in space, after all.
Okay, so it appears that, other than Gravity, I didn’t see as many good movies as I thought I did. Why no love for Machete Kills, Hollywood Foreign Press? Anyway, I think you should pick Gravity for all the movie categories, whether it’s nominated or not.
So the film categories are a bit of a bust, but I watch a ton of television, so I’m sure that I will be ready to speak with authority on who is going to win the TV awards.
First up, Best TV Series, Drama. The nominees are Breaking Bad, Downton Abbey, The Good Wife, House of Cards and Masters of Sex.
Ugh. I haven’t seen any of these shows. Not even Breaking Bad, as much as it shames me to admit. But Breaking Bad has to win, right? Doesn’t everyone love crystal meth?
Question: Why isn’t Hannibal nominated? It’s such a great show and it’s on basic network television, no less.
On the Musical or Comedy side, the nominees are Big Bang Theory, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Girls, Modern Family, and Parks and Recreation.
*Cue the celebratory music*
I am pleased to announce that, with the exception of Girls, I have seen all of these shows! The winner should be Brooklyn Nine-Nine, because it’s hilarious, but it’ll probably go to some other show. Even so, you should pick Brooklyn Nine-Nine for your pool. We need to send a message to… someone… I dunno who.
Then there are a bunch of acting categories for TV. I haven’t seen any of the nominated Drama shows, but you should probably just pick Bryan Cranston (for best Actor and Actress, just to be safe). And on the Musical or Comedy side, you should pick Amy Poehler for Parks and Recreation (because she’s awesome, and because she’s one of the hosts of the Golden Globes this year… her and Tina Fey…. mmm…. Tina Fey) and Andy Samberg for Brooklyn Nine-Nine (sorry Michael J. Fox, but shows named after actors, and not the characters they play, just don’t do it for me).
There are a bunch of other supporting actor categories and categories for best screenplay and music, but I am far too lazy to go through all of them with you, so I recommend you either circle every third name, or just write down Al Pacino. He’s bound to win at least one of them.
I hope you found this helpful. I know I did. I even learned something. I learned that no matter how many times I ask them, I will never be a member of the Hollywood Foreign Press.
*tear drop* BAMPF!