It’s official. I have my first mortal enemy.
Let me start at the beginning.
When my wife and I moved into our palatial estate on the outskirts of Ottawa, my grandparents (yes, the ones I fought ninjas with) bought us a bird feeder as a housewarming gift. This was not just any bird feeder, mind you. This was a state-of-the-art squirrel-proof bird feeder. My wife and I (or more accurately, just my wife) took the time to go out and find the right pole to hang the feeder from, and we (again, my wife) ended up settling on a pole with two bars to hang things from. She decided (I won’t pretend to be involved in decisions any more) that we would hang the feeder on one bar, and on the other bar we would hang some very pretty potted flowers that my wife picked out. Now I’m guessing you botanists out there want to know what kind of flowers we decided to go with. They were… purple ones? Is that a type of flower? I dunno. Stop bugging me about it.
Anyway, my wife and I were excited to get the bird feeder up in our backyard and watch as wave after wave of colourful birds presented themselves to us for our viewing pleasure.
It took a couple weeks, but the birds finally found our offering. First it was a lone cardinal that kept coming to the feeder, but then his cardinal buddies started coming around as well. Then the gold finches and the chickadees saw what a great time the cardinals were having, and they decided to join in the fun. Even the grackles came by to feast on the bounty of sunflower seeds we made available to them. It was a win-win scenario: Birds got some delicious seeds to eat, and we got to watch pretty birds fly around our backyard. It was magnificent.
That’s when the evil entered our lives.
Like the locusts of Egypt, it descended upon us, devouring everything in its path. It was the cruelest of all creatures, the most monstrous of all monsters. Of course, I am referring to a black squirrel.
At first the black squirrel was entertaining. We hung the feeder a few feet from our deck, and it was funny to watch the squirrel try to jump the gap (and ultimately fail). It was all fun and games until the small black beast figured out he could climb up the pole and get to the bird feeder that way.
It wouldn’t have been so bad if the squirrel ate a couple seeds and then took off. But this stupid thing sat there and gorged itself on a crap ton of sunflower seeds (even more than Fox Mulder!), and in doing so, kept all the pretty little birdies away.
My wife was the first to engage the squirrel in battle. The animal climbed up onto the bird feeder, acting all jerk-like, and my wife went out into the yard to scare him away. This happened a few times, and initially it was pretty easy to scare the oversized black rat away, but after a while it figured out that my wife wasn’t actually going to hurt him, so he started to get a lot more brazen. At one point the squirrel sat on our deck’s railing, about 3 feet away from our back door, and when my wife went out to chase him away, the jerk fleabag just sat there defiant, like he was standing in front of a tank in Tienanmen Square. My wife retaliated by throwing a cup of water at him, but the thing just shook it off, stared at her with his wee beady black eyes, frantically flapped his long stringy tail and then made the most disconcerting chirping sound that has ever been heard by human ears.
Oh God… the chirping…
The horror… the horror…
After scaring my wife stiff, the squirrel made his way back to the feeder to continue eating the food that was clearly not meant for him. But the most egregious of the squirrel’s crimes was that before he started to eat the sunflower seeds again, he climbed into the flowerpot next to the bird feeder and trampled all of the very pretty purple flowers my wife had picked out.
What a dick.
As a man, it was my duty to exact retribution on behalf of my beloved wife, so I went out and got myself a sweet squirrel-eradicator.
Thug life, right?
The next time the evil jerk squirrel showed up to eat from the bird feeder, I left the safety of my home to meet him on the field of battle. The monster took a break from his gluttonous feast to stare at me. Music from an old spaghetti western played in the background. As expected, he launched into his terrifying chirping attack. It’s an assault that would make any normal man buckle under the pressure, but as you know, I am no ordinary man (for example, it’s a scientific fact that I am extraordinarily handsome). I stood my ground, locked eyes with the animal and raised my weapon.
And then I blasted that squirrel in its stupid face with my stream.
The creature dropped from the feeder and took off out of the yard and up the closest tree. It stopped half-way up to stare at me. I stared back. It was at that moment I created my mortal enemy (like Batman and the Joker!). He was going to continue trying to eat the bird seed, and I was going to keep trying to stop him. After blasting that bastard in the face with my super stream (that can go up to 9 meters, by the way) I knew that we would be destined to battle each other forever (like Batman and the Joker again!).
And thus ends another adventure where I get mad at an animal and try to teach it a lesson. Now that I have fought off the squirrel (at least temporarily), my wife and I can enjoy the gift my grandparents gave us. Well, I mean we still have to deal with chipmunk turds, bird crap all over our deck, thousands of sunflower seed shells all over our lawn, and a plague of grackles (yup, that’s what they’re called) that attack the other, prettier birds that want to get a nibble from the feeder.
Anyway, while I enjoyed getting the better of the black squirrel, I would have given anything if this squirrel showed up on my back deck.
Oh, Squirrel Girl. So awesome and yet so useless.
While the squirrel I dealt with isn’t nearly as cool as Squirrel Girl, at least he isn’t as useless as a panda.
Pandas are still stupid!