Whenever I’m out giving boy scouts a hard time for selling apples outside of grocery stores (apples, really?) people are always saying to me: “Chris, your blog is so incredible and you clearly put a lot of effort into it. How do you manage all that work by yourself?”
Well, I’m going to let you in on a little secret. How do I manage to do all the work necessary to make Chris Lackie – The Blog the greatest blog in the history of the internet?
I know it’s hard to believe that I would allow lesser beings to sully my wonderfully beautiful work, but even the greatest among us (namely me) need the occasional helping hand. That’s why I have assembled a small team to help make my blog the best it can be.
I thought I would use this week’s post to let you peek behind the curtain and get to know the people who help me make the blog that Blog Writers Quarterly once called “The only blog ever written by someone named Chris Lackie that averages fewer than 7 spelling mistakes per post.” Pretty high praise if you ask me.
And one of the reasons for my excellent spelling is my editor, Ted. Ted here is a grad student studying English at the University of Ottawa who is working for me for school credit.
Say hello, Ted.
Ted: Hello everyone!
Settle down. Ted, please explain to everyone exactly what you do.
Ted: Well, I’m supposed to be an editor, which means I’m supposed to check your work for punctuation, grammar, and that sort of thing, but I’m also supposed to do fact checking and help you develop your ideas whenever you decide to write a story. But usually you just make me clean your office and order you pizza.
And you’re really good at it. And please, try not to talk so much. But what do you mean you’re “supposed” to help me develop ideas? I bounce things off you all the time.
Ted: You bounce super balls off my face.
Yes, and what do I call those balls?
Ted: *Sigh*… Ideas.
I rest my case. Anyway, the final member of our little (non-sexual) threesome is Susan. Susan is my secretary. She is a recent graduate from the Office Administration program at Algonquin College who I hired through an internship (which means I don’t have to pay her). As my secretary, she performs a number of important duties like picking up my dry cleaning, getting me coffee and answering my phone. She’s also very beautiful. And blonde. Say hello, Susan.
Susan: Hello. By the way, I would prefer if you referred to my position as executive assistant rather than secretary. Secretary is a very old fashioned term.
I beg your pardon, Susan. I’ll make sure Ted never uses that upsetting term again.
Ted: I didn’t say anything!
Christ, learn when to shut your mouth, Ted! Ok, before we go on, how about you guys tell everyone a little something about yourselves? Ted?
Ted: Well, I’m 23 years old…
Ted: Wha…? I wasn’t…
Shut up, Ted. Susan?
Susan: I’m 21 years old, I was born here in Ottawa and I’m a Sagittarius.
Incredible. You are truly a gifted woman. Is there anything you would like to add?
Susan: Oh, my favourite colour is blue.
Wow. That’s inspiring.
Ted: I organized a student group that helped raise over $30 thousand dollars for Parkinson’s research.
No one cares, Ted. Okay guys, I have a question for you: On a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being pretty fantastic and 10 being the most amazing thing in the history of all things amazing, how great is it to work for me? Please know that there is a right answer to this question. Ted?
Ted: Um… I’m going to say….8?
What? How could you be so hurtful, Ted? Are you trying to offend me? Rule number one of employment: Don’t offend the person who pays you.
Ted: You don’t pay me. I’m doing this for the experience.
And what an experience it is. Susan, do you have a better answer than Ted?
Susan: I’m going to say 10.
Correct! Great answer, Susan. You could learn something from Susan, Ted. Man, all this interviewing is making me sleepy. Ted, could you go out and grab me a latte?
Ted: Um, I think that’s more of a Susan job…
What?!!? Wow, that’s really sexist, Ted. I find that very offensive. You think that just because Susan is a woman, it’s her job to get me coffee?!
Ted: Um, no I thought that it was her job because she’s the secretary and you just said a minute ago that it was her job…
She’s not a secretary, she’s an executive assistant! No, you know what? That’s enough. You go get me my non-fat extra foam latte, then organize my fan mail by prettiness of handwriting, then clean out my 3 chimneys, and then you get the hell out of here! But be back early tomorrow morning. My breakfast isn’t going to make itself.
Ted: *Sign*… Yes, sir.
Susan, do you want Ted to get you something while he’s out? Coffee? Cherry Danish? Facial scrub?
Susan: No, thank you.
Not a problem, it’s my pleasure. Ted, are you still here? Don’t you have something to do?
Ted: Stupid Chris and his stupid coffee, I’ll show him, I’m gonna hock such a loogie in his stupid drink…
Well, now that Ted is finally done overstaying his welcome, we can help the audience get to know the real Susan. Now, you’re a blonde, so tell me… Does the carpet match the drapes?
And at that point the interview pretty much ended. I guess Susan had an appointment or something. I’d like to thank her for taking the time to help the Chris Lackie – The Blog fans learn a little bit more about the blog they love. And I would also like to thank Ted for getting me a delicious latte. I don’t know how he did it, but it was the best thing I put in my mouth all day. Good job, Ted!
Alright, I better go make sure the team is working. I can’t have any layabouts around here. You know what? I’m just going to text them from here on the couch. No sense in exerting all that energy when I don’t have to. I didn’t create a blog that Blogging Fancy once called “full of words and sometimes pictures” by wasting my time on trivial things like people.