Mail Bag 3: Mail Bag with a Vengeance: Love Guru Edition (Also Featuring a Very Special Thank You!)

Hey guys!  Before I get into this week’s post, I would like to take this opportunity to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to read my blog.  In the month of May my blog had over 300 views, which brought my all time views to over 800 since I started back in February!  Not only has my blog already had more views than I could have imagined, but my blog has been read by people in 27 different countries!  Not too shabby if I do say so myself.  But again, I want to thank all of you for the support you’ve given me and my little blog over the last four months.

Now, as a thank you to you, my international fan base, here is a very special edition of the mail bag, where I answer your questions!  While I get a lot of questions on basic stuff (who would win in a fight, Jesus or Batman?), I get a surprising number of emails from people who want my advice on their romantic quandaries (big word alert).  So in this edition of the mail bag, I’ll be answering your questions on love!

Now, I know what you’re thinking:  Chris, what makes you an expert on relationships and love?  Aren’t you just a guy with some blog who plays video games and reads Batman comics?  First, it’s not just some blog; it’s the world’s greatest blog.  And second, as someone who has been married for… um… oh geez… I dunno… some length of time, I am clearly qualified to deal with peoples’ relationship issues.  Now, on to the questions!

Hey Chris!

I’m a huge fan, and I’m hoping you can help with something.  My wife and I have been married for 8 years, but for the last 3 years we’ve been going through a rough patch.  I’ve noticed that we spend a lot more time separately than we used to, and the time that we do spend together is usually taken up by us fighting.  Recently my wife came up with the idea of having a kid.  It’s something that we haven’t discussed before and I was pretty sure she didn’t want kids at all.  My feeling is that the only reason she wants a kid is as an excuse to keep us together.  I love my wife, but I don’t know if having a kid is a good idea.  What do you think?

Daryl in Delaware

Hey DD,

Let me break it down for you.  Basically, there is a divide between you and your wife, and you are contemplating bringing a child into this world to bridge that divide.  You and your wife will end up putting all of your baggage on your kid’s shoulders and you will both end up blaming your child when your marriage completely falls apart, which it is clearly destined to do.  You will ultimately ruin that kid’s life.

I say go for it.

Dear Chris,

Sorry to bother you, but I’ve been reading your blog since the beginning, and you seem like a good guy.  I have a problem.  I work at a coffee house, and there is this girl I work with that’s super pretty.  I really want to ask out, but I’m too nervous.  I’m afraid she’ll say no, and then it will be weird whenever we have a shift together.  What should I do?

The Coffee House Coward

Sorry dude.  Sorry you’re such a wuss.  See, the key is confidence, and you clearly have none.  But don’t worry; I’m going to help you.  All you need to do is follow this quick and easy 2-step process, and you’ll be sleeping with that cute coffee house girl on a sack of dark roast in no time.

Step 1:  Grow a pair of balls.

Step 2:  There is no step 2.  Just grow and pair of balls and you’re done.

Just ask her out.  If she says no, she’s probably better off because I’m pretty sure you’re lame.

Thanks for reading!

Chris Man!

Dude, I have a question for you:  I’m dating this chick right, and then one night after we have sex she tells me she thinks she’s gay!  Like, what the hell, right?  It was out of nowhere.  I thought she dug me.  Now I don’t know what to think.  Is this my fault?  I know you can’t make someone gay, but… did I?

Thanks,

Toledo Todd

Listen TT, some people would tell you to look at the positives.  They would say that you are the ultimate male, because after doing you, no other man would do.  I on the other hand say you are not a real man.  You should be embarrassed and ashamed.  Way to make a girl join the other team.  Don’t you know there’s a war going on?  Try not to suck at sex so much next time.

Loser.

Okay, time for one more letter!

My husband is a total jerk who doesn’t remember how long we’ve been married, and spends all of his time playing video games, reading Batman comics and writing for his blog.  How do I get him to stop being a child and start being the man I need him to be?

Sarah in Ottawa

Sarah,

Your husband sounds like a winner.  He also sounds ridiculously good looking.  You should support him in everything he does.  You should also make him a steak dinner whenever he wants it.  A shoulder rub once in a while probably wouldn’t hurt either.  Anyway, you sound familiar.  Do I know you from somewhere?  Maybe we dated at some point.  Did I ever take you to a Burger King drive-thru, make out with you behind a Dairy Queen, and then exclaim “You just got dated!”?  That’s what I call a Chris Special.

Well, that’s it for this week.  Thank you all again for taking the time to read my blog.  It means a lot to me.  You keep reading, and I’ll keep writing!  Although, if you stop reading, I’ll probably keep writing anyway.  You’ll never get rid of me!

BAMPF!

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One thought on “Mail Bag 3: Mail Bag with a Vengeance: Love Guru Edition (Also Featuring a Very Special Thank You!)

  1. Pingback: RE: MAIL BAG THREE! « chrislackiereview

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