Remember that movie where Matt Damon and Scarlett Johansson bought a zoo? Well, my weekend was exactly like that, except instead of buying a zoo, I fought it. And I won.
I should start at the beginning. My sister recently turned 14 years old (yeah, there is a big gap in our ages), and to help her celebrate, my wife and I decided to take her to the Toronto Zoo. It was good timing, because it was the first weekend that the newly acquired panda bears were on display. I really wanted to see the pandas. Not because I think they’re cute, but because I wanted to tell them how dumb they are to their stupid faces. Seriously, those animals shouldn’t exist. They are so stupid, they won’t mate in captivity and all they want to eat is bamboo. Do you know how good bamboo is for them? Well, the zoo supplements the pandas’ diet with dog food. What does that tell you?
Anyway, I really wanted to master the art of telling off animals before getting to the ridiculous overrated pandas, so I thought I would practice on all the other animals in the park. Enough with the monkeying around (hehe, I’m clever), here is how it all went down.
The first animal I came across was a peacock. If you’ve ever been to the Toronto Zoo, you know that peacocks wander around the entire park. This particular peacock had some attitude, so I felt pretty good about putting him in his place. Here’s the peacock before:
Then, after I gave him good old-fashioned stare down, here was the peacock after:
That’s right, you better run!
My first attempt at shaming an animal was successful, but it was just a peacock (hehe, pea-cock). I was going to need to up my game to make sure I was ready to knock the pandas down a peg.
The next creatures we came across were the flamingos. I knew how to handle these guys.
“Hey Flamingos,” I said, “why don’t you guys act more like lawn ornaments?”
The silly pink birds didn’t know what hit them. They just stood there, pretending like they didn’t hear me. That’s how I knew I got them good. I’m sure I scarred those birds for life.
Next we came across the penguin exhibit, and I was all set to continue my training by giving them a piece of my mind. I had already psyched myself up: Stupid penguins, always swimming around, eating fish, and sliding adorably down ice slopes. Stupid jerks.
I was ready to give them the putdown to end all putdowns, but when I saw one of them I was suddenly filled with an emotion I had never felt before. Pity maybe? Empathy? Hunger? Either way, I felt bad for the little guy. Stuck in that little paddock with only a little bit of water to swim in. No ice slides to slide down adorably. I didn’t have it in me to be mean. I mean, look at him:
The little guy didn’t even jump in the water. He just looked at it, as if pining for something more. I could relate. There was this one time when I had a bowl of Doritos and all I really wanted was a bigger bowl of Doritos. Life is hard, guys. Life is hard.
After a few moments I shook off whatever I was feeling (I’m leaning towards hunger) and carried on. I wasn’t going to let my interaction with the sad penguin get me down. I had a mission and I was going to complete it.
We decided to move on from the birds to the animals without wings. We went over to the Australia exhibit so that I could match wits with a wallaby. For some reason the wallaby shares a space with a porcupine, which is weird. I mean, why would you risk having any of your animals getting a face full of quills? Anyway, I locked eyes with the wallaby (or maybe it was just a small kangaroo?) and I told him: “Hey wallaby, maybe a dingo ate your baby!”
Hehe. Got him. Bet he’ll never look at humans the same way after I shamed him in front of his porcupine pal. That guy’s a prickly customer (hehe, I’m awesome).
At this point I felt ready to take on the pandas, but I decided I wanted to see a couple of my favourite animals before taking them on. We went over to the arctic exhibit to check out the arctic wolf and the polar bears. Now, these are animals. Check out this picture of the awesome arctic wolf.
After locking eyes with the majestic beast, we went over to check out the polar bears. This is what a bear should be. Both of the polar bears made their way over to greet us.
After being in the presence of greatness, I could tell that the arctic animals supported my intention to knock the pandas from their high horses. Arctic animals are survivors, and do everything they can to ensure the continued existence of themselves and their species as a whole. Not like the stupid lazy jerk ass panda bears. Those coddled jerks.
I was ready.
I was ready to take on the overly fussed-over pandas. We made our way over to the panda exhibit. The Toronto Zoo has turned about a fifth of their property into the “Panda Experience” (which made me think of the Teriyaki Experience, which made me think maybe there was a chance I could eat one of these things) and they make you walk through a queue that seems like it’s a hundred miles long, only to have everyone bunch together at the end to look at the pandas. The Toronto Zoo has two of these things, and to respect how they live in the wild, the pandas are not kept together. The male panda is outside, and in order to see the female you have to line up in an additional queue. We had no interest in lining up again, so we stuck with the male. I figured the male would give the female my message the next time they saw each other, anyway. After pushing through hundreds of people to get close enough to see the panda, I was ready to give it a piece of my mind, but what did I see?
The stupid thing was hiding behind a rock, filling his stupid face hole with stupid bamboo (of course). How was I supposed to let him have it if he wasn’t going to pay attention to me?
Then I figured it out. He knew. He had heard through the animal grapevine that I was coming, and instead of facing my wrath he decided to hide. Like a coward. It was even better than I had hoped.
It was over. And I was victorious.
I accomplished what I had set out to do. I had gone into enemy territory and taught those stupid jerk pandas a lesson that they will never forget. No matter how cute they are, no matter how endangered they claim to be, they are still only animals. And from this day forward, they will know that the most dangerous animal…
That’s not me, but this is what happens when you take a picture of yourself with my camera while I take a leak.
Oh, and did my sister enjoy her birthday?
Um… I dunno. Yes?