Back to the Sack: The Return of the Mail Bag

It’s official.  Chris Lackie – The Blog is world renowned!

My blog has been read by people in Canada, the United States, Mexico, Bolivia, Vietnam, Taiwan, and the Philippines.  Even someone from the little island of Guernsey has read my blog.  I mean, they were probably looking for ways to get out of Guernsey, but I still count them as a fan.  According to Wikipedia, the Bailiwick of Guernsey (great name, right?) is a popular offshore financial centre.  Tsk tsk, Guernsey.  But someone from your little British Crown dependency read my blog, so I can’t stay mad at you.

Anyway, it’s been a while, so I thought I would take some time out of my incredibly busy schedule to answer some of your letters.  If I don’t get to your letter, don’t be offended.  I’m a very important man, with many important things to do.  Like reading my cat’s horoscope (She’s a Virgo).

Dear “Mister” Lackie,

I’ve read your blog a couple times and it’s okay. I have a question for you.  Why do you like Batman so much?  I mean, I’m pretty sure you’re an adult, so why are you so obsessed with a fictional character?  Are you one of those crazy fanboys or something?  And if you love him so much, why don’t you marry him?

Curious in Courtice, Ontario

Dear Curious,

How dare you, sir?  Batman is awesome, and you’re crazy for not acknowledging it.  But I’m going to contain my rage for just a moment to explain why I love the Caped Crusader. For starters, at his most basic level, Batman is a superhero.  And everyone wants to be a superhero.  Everyone wants to save the day.  And everyone wants an excuse to wear a badass costume with a cape.  People always say that Batman isn’t a real superhero because he doesn’t have superpowers.  No, he doesn’t have superpowers, but I think that makes him even more of a superhero.  He can’t rely on flight, or super-speed, or a stupid power ring that makes anything he imagines become real.  All he has is his brain.  That, and a bunch of gadgets and a ton of money to build those gadgets.  But still, I don’t think all the money in the world and all the coolest weapons are what makes Batman the best superhero (or in my opinion, one of the greatest literary characters ever created).  He is the best because every time he runs across the rooftops of Gotham he knows that at any point he could get shot or stabbed or worse.  He is the best because he is easily the bravest character there is.

And to answer your final question, you can’t marry a fictional character, stupid.  Not yet, anyway.  But a man can dream…

Moving on!

Chris,

Do you watch Game of Thrones? I think it’s totally awesome! I especially like the boobies.  If you were on Game of Thrones, what house would you be a part of?

Winter is Coming in Mexico City, Mexico

Hey there Mexico!

You guys have winter in Mexico?  I thought winter only came to Canada.  To answer your question, yes, I watch Game of Thrones.  And yes, I also like the boobies.  If I were on that show I would be a part of House Lannister.  I know that they are all a bunch of murderers and monsters, but I like the colours (gold and crimson) and I’ve always wanted a pet dwarf.

All kidding aside, how fucking awesome is Peter Dinklage on that show?  That guy is the man!

Mr. Jerk-Face,

As a red-head, I was deeply offended by your use of the derogatory term “gingers” in one of your recent blog posts.  It is inappropriate and downright insulting to make fun of someone just because of the colour of their hair.  People with red hair have feelings too!

Sincerely,

Fiery in Bush City, Kansas

Dear Fire Bush,

I’m sorry if I offended you.  Are you sure you’re really a ginger?  I’m pretty sure that gingers don’t have feelings.  Like goldfish.  Or celebrities.

Thanks for reading!

Chris,

I’m a really big fan of your blog, and I’m hoping you can give me some advice.  I’m 32 years old and I still live at home.  People are always giving me a hard time and I know they’re laughing at me behind my back.  How do I turn things around so that people will respect me?

Sad in Charlottetown, PEI

Dear Charlotte,

I know exactly where you’re coming from.  Someone laughed at me once too.  See, I have a medical condition.  It’s something I’ve been struggling with for a long time.  One time I went to a clinic, and when I told the doctor my problem she laughed in my face!  I was so embarrassed.  Crushed even.  This sort of thing shouldn’t happen.  When, I ask you?! When?!?  When will people start to treat Giant Penis Syndrome like the serious problem it is!?

Sorry, what was your question?

Anyway, time for one more letter.

Hey Chris!

Wnt 2 make ur manhood BIGGER! Click this link!

www.super-manhood.com 

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Mail bag BAMPF!!

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s