Every year, I leave the expansive landscapes of my palatial Ottawa estate and make my way to the Ernest Hemingway Center in beautiful Moscow (Idaho, not Russia) to attend the SBC (that’s the Successful Bloggers Conference for those of you not in the know) and every year I am bombarded by wannabe bloggers who always say the same thing:
Chris, you’re so handsome (thank you) and you have the world’s most popular blog. How can I be like you?
So, you wanna be a blog superstar? You wanna live large? A big house? 5 cars? Well guess what, kids? I’m going to let you in on my secrets. I am blog and so can you!
There are a few simple things you must do in order to have something close to the level of success that I have with my blog.
1. Write what you know.
You will be tempted to write about things that you think are popular (reality television, motor vehicles, string cheese), but you will come off as a total dope if you don’t know anything about your topic. You would be better off writing about something you have a deep knowledge of, like your cats, pictures of your cats, or the measures you’re taking to make sure your cats don’t eat you when you die.
Write what you know, and you can’t fail. Unless what you know is stupid. Like Superman. Don’t write about Superman.
Writing what you know is important, but it only works if you follow my next piece of advice as well.
2. Have a theme.
Maybe you’re lucky and you know something about more than one thing. Writing about everything you know will only work if the things go well together (like chocolate and peanut butter). Your blog will be a train wreck if your topics are unrelated (like the Kardashians and talent).
I’m fortunate enough to know a thing or two about a thing or two (or let’s be honest, everything), so I can blog about a bunch of stuff. However, I limit my posts to topics that all fall under the same theme. So far, I have written about Batman, Kevin Smith, alien abductions, female comedy duos and ninjas. Clearly the theme of my blog is Eastern European politics.
3. Post to your blog on a regular schedule.
Posting to your blog on a regular basis will encourage your fans (your mother and your cousin) to keep reading. If you post one day and then disappear from the interwebs for an extended period of time, people will forget about you (especially your mother). As they say in academia: Publish or perish! And like I say: Don’t eat my burrito!
4. Don’t be afraid to borrow an idea and make it your own.
Coming up with a completely original idea is hard. Sometimes you may need to take an idea from somewhere else and build on it. Now, I personally don’t need to do this, because I am a beacon of creativity. I am full of original thoughts and ideas. (On a completely unrelated note, aren’t Cypress Hill and Stephen Colbert awesome?) But don’t worry, it’s okay to take an idea that’s already out there and put your own spin on it. Unless it’s my idea. Don’t steal my shit. Seriously. I have a crack team of computer nerds and lawyers ready to find you and sue you at the drop of a hat (and defend me against any frivolous lawsuits that may come my way. What do you mean I can’t park my helicopter on Parliament Hill?)
5. If all else fails, quote the Simpsons.
Everyone loves the Simpsons. If you have nothing interesting to say, just say any one of the following:
“Slow down tubby. You’re not on the moon yet.”
“The Nye Mets are my favourite squadron.”
“I was saying Boo-urns.”
That’s all there is to it! Follow my 5 simple guidelines and you’ll be on your way to blogging success. Who knows? Maybe you’ll get so popular they’ll ask you to be the keynote speaker at the next SBC. Don’t count on it though. I’ve been the keynote speaker for the last 7 years and I have no intention of giving it up any time soon. You can do it after I die. Just kidding. I’m immortal. Just kidding. Or am I?