My grandpa recently turned 1,000 years old (or maybe it was 82, I kinda dozed off when he was telling me). To help him celebrate, my wife and I visited my grandparents in Lindsay, Ontario to have dinner with them. We went to a steak house for a late dinner (around 4 o’clock) so that we could enjoy some high quality beef (and so my grandma could enjoy a bite of salad, two bites of prime rib, and three rye and gingers). While waiting for our meals (and grandma’s second drink) we conversed like normal people do.
Grandma: So Chris, when are you going to get your wife pregnant?
Me: I don’t know, Grandma.
Grandma: Why not? Do you not know how to do it?
Me: What? Yes Grandma, I know how to… ugh, can we talk about something else?
Grandma: So you’re shooting blanks then?
Me: Grandpa, make her stop.
Grandpa: Don’t look at me. I’ve been trying to make her stop for more than 60 years.
Grandma: I remember when your Grandfather and I made your Dad. It all started when we went to go see Lawrence of Arabia at the drive-in…
Thankfully, this awkward conversation came to end once a bunch of ninjas jumped out of the shadows to surround us.
Head Ninja: We are ninja! We are here to destroy you!
Me: Thank Christ. I was starting to worry I was going to have to continue talking to these old people.
Grandpa: Should I be offended by that?
Me: Probably, but I think we have bigger fish to fry.
Grandma: Fish? I thought I ordered the prime rib.
Grandpa: You did. Chris was referring the ninjas who have surrounded us.
Grandma: The whatsits did what to us?
Grandpa: Can you not see…? Ugh. Never mind.
Head Ninja: Did we come at a bad time? Should we come back?
Me: No, this is probably as good as it’s ever going to get. Why are you here?
Grandma: What did you say, Chris?
Me: I’m not talking to you, Grandma. I’m talking to the Ninja-guy here.
Grandpa: See, Chris? See what I have to deal with?
Head Ninja: We have studied your society. You seem to choose your elders to lead you. Leaders must be located in one place to effectively debate issues and make decisions. Given the importance you place on age, the city that has the largest concentration of old people must be your capital.
Me: That is some flawless logic right there.
Head Ninja: That is why we are here in Lindsay, Ontario! We are going to capture your capital, starting with this steak house!
Me: You think Lindsay is the capital because there are a lot of old people here? Clearly you have better things to do than perform basic internet searches.
Grandma: We’re getting a Walmart soon!
Me: Good point, Grandma.
Head Ninja: Enough talk! Now you die!
Grandma: What did you say, sonny?
Grandpa: Gah! I’m ready to crack some skulls!
At this point, the most amazing fight in the history of amazing fights takes place. Grandpa and I kicked some serious ninja ass. I kneed a guy in the nuts, and my grandpa literally head-butted a dude in the face. It was awesome. The fight was so awesome, words cannot do it justice. Perhaps a picture might better explain what mere words cannot. Here is an artist’s rendition of the battle:
Ok. Maybe a picture can’t do it either. So just trust me. It was awesome.
When all was said and done, my grandpa and I stood victorious over the ninjas’ beaten and broken bodies. With his last breath, the head ninja guy delivered his dying words.
Head Ninja: I don’t understand. We are ninja. We have trained our whole lives for this. You are just two men. And one of you is really old.
Me: That’s where you’re wrong. We are not just two men. We are Lackies. And I am not that old.
Grandpa: I think he was referring to me.
Me: Oh, in that case he’s right.
Grandma: My glass is empty.
Me: Are you trying to tell me something, Grandma?
Grandma: Yes. I’d like another rye and ginger please.
Me: Oh Grandma, you’re funny.
Grandma: I’m glad you think so. Now get off your lazy ass and get me a rye and ginger!
Me: Yes ma’am.
Grandpa: See, Chris?! She’s intolerable! See?!?!
So there you go. Another family dinner. And this time the fight wasn’t with each other! That counts as a win in my book. I know what you’re wondering. Did Grandma ever get that rye and ginger? Yes. She did. And according to her, it was adequate.
Rye and ginger BAMPF!