Did I ever tell you about the time I was abducted by aliens? Funny story…
So one day, I was hanging around my dollar sign-shaped swimming pool in behind my palatial estate on the outskirts of Ottawa, sipping on a glass of the world’s finest Orange Crush, when suddenly, out of nowhere, a warm blue light washed over me.
“What the what?” I said out loud to no one, awesomely.
Then, without warning, I started floating up into the sky. As I lifted further into the clouds, a big saucer-shaped space ship revealed itself to me.
I’ve seen bigger, I thought to myself as a rose through the large circular silver doors on the underside of the ship. But then everything went dark.
When I opened my eyes again, all I saw were two grey faces. They were almost almond shaped with the point at the chin. They had big, inky eyes and small drooly mouths. In short, they looked exactly what you think an alien would look like. Except for the drooly mouths. That was different.
I was almost startled when they started talking to me (but not actually startled, because that would imply some sort of weakness or unpreparedness on my part).
The conversation went pretty much like this:
Big Ugly Alien #1: *ploop!* *pshkaw!* *pfft!*
Me: Sorry, I don`t speak alien.
Big Ugly Alien #1: I wasn`t speaking. I was farting.
Me: You fart out of your mouth? That`s disgusting.
Big Ugly Alien #1: How do you do it?
Me: Out of my butt.
Big Ugly Alien #1: Eww…
Big Ugly Alien #2: Are you Chris Lackie?
Big Ugly Alien #2: Are you the Chris Lackie with a blog?
Me: An awesome blog, yes.
Big Ugly Alien #1: We are fans of your blog.
Me: Of course you are.
Big Ugly Alien #2: Does it not surprise you that your blog is read by beings from beyond the stars?
Me: I figured it was only a matter of time.
Big Ugly Alien #1: We have been studying your planet. Based on our research, we have determined that the leaders of your world are chosen based on popularity, rather than skill, knowledge or ability.
Me: Sounds about right.
Big Ugly Alien #2: Given your popularity, we have deduced that you must be the leader of this planet.
Big Ugly Alien #1: Are you, Chris Lackie, the leader of Earth?
Me: I think it’s pretty obvious that I am.
Big Ugly Alien #1: I knew it!
Big Ugly Alien #2: Right on!
At this point the Big Ugly Aliens high fived each like a bunch of losers.
Me: You guys high five like a bunch of losers.
Big Ugly Alien #1: Can you be our leader as well?
Me: No. Sounds like a hassle.
Big Ugly Alien #2: But Leader Lackie, you must! You see…
At this point the Big Ugly Aliens tell me some sob story about how some other even uglier aliens destroyed their planet or something like that. I wasn’t really listening. I was too busy thinking about the roast beef sandwich I had eaten earlier that day. Man that was a good sandwich. I wish I was eating it right now.
Big Ugly Alien #1: So, will you reconsider?
While trying to think of some excuse for why I couldn’t be these aliens’ new messiah, I let a huge fart rip.
My Butt: *PPRRRRPPPPTTTT!*
Big Ugly Alien #2: My soon to be lord, did you say something?
*WHEEE!* *WHOOO!* *WHEEE!* *WHOOO!*
Me: What the hell is that sound?
Then the Big Ugly Aliens ran over to some type of control panel.
Big Ugly Alien #1: It’s the ship’s alarm! It’s detected a toxic gas!
Big Ugly Alien #2: Oh no! Methane! Our ship’s hull will disintegrate!
Me: Come now, it can’t be that bad. It’s just a fart.
Just then, a massive rip appeared in the side of the ship.
Me: Well, that sure showed me. Time to make like a tree and get the block out of here.
I ran to the clearly marked emergency exit that also had a set of parachutes next to it. I grabbed one just as all the rest flew off the wall and blew out the tear in the other side of the ship. I kicked open the emergency door like a bad ass and slid on the parachute.
Big Ugly Alien #1: Please Chris Lackie of Earth! Save us!
I gave the Big Ugly Aliens one final look while I did up the final clasp of the parachute.
Me: Hasta la vista, baby!
Big Ugly Alien #2: What? What does that mean?
Me: It’s from a movie.
Big Ugly Alien #1: We never saw it.
Me: And you never will.
After I rocked the Big Ugly Aliens with a sweet one-liner, I jumped out of the emergency exit and hurdled through the atmosphere towards the ground. I took some time to check Facebook on my phone as I sped through the air (I gots to know what my peeps are up to!) and I pulled the cord on the parachute just in time to glide gently down into the backyard of my palatial estate like a champion.
As I landed, my butler came outside to greet me.
Butler: How was your unexpected trip, sir?
Me: It was fine. I was abducted by aliens who wanted to make me their king.
Butler: The usual then.
At this point, me and my Butler high fived each other like awesome rock stars.
Butler: We’re awesome rock stars!
Me: I am. You’re okay, I guess. Now, get me a roast beef sandwich.
Butler: Yes sir!
So there it is. I was abducted by aliens and lived to tell the tale. I’m sure those aliens found some other home world. Or they died horribly. Either way, I’m sure it all worked out.
*Self high five!*